Diary of A Day Spent Fasting

[Excuse the moments of insanity, rage, delirium, incomprehension, gluttony, so on and so forth.]

6:45 am – I am awake for work, no espresso or water will be waiting for me but that’s okay, 13 hours should be a breeze.

7:40 am – At the office, missing that sweet caress of hot espresso on my tongue.

8:30 am – Seriously contemplated having one espresso or Turkish coffee. I can do this, feeling very optimistic!! Channeling my inner Katniss.

9:15 am – Coworker is eating a croissant, giving him death stares as I type this.

9:16 am – If I had a choice between having spaghetti for hair or croissants for fingers I’d choose the spaghetti hair.

10:00 am – Looking through Instagram for pictures of food. There’s so much food in the world, there are so many opportunities for spinach-artichoke dips and margaritas. TEN HOURS LEFT, also known as five 2-hour blocks.

12:00 pm – I want ceviche. I need ceviche. When I die, cover my grave in ceviche so I can be happy one last time.

12:20 pm – I take back the ceviche/grave thing.

1:10 pm – WHY DOES 1 PM LAST 170 HOURS? Seriously, someone alert scientists that the hours between 1 and 3 pm run way slower than the average hour. You guys, how has nobody studied this before?

1:40 pm – 1 pm is a joke, fuck 1 pm to death.

1:56 pm – Having images of a smooth lungo coffee with like a side of a biscuit or a chocolate or something. I just drooled. This is embarrassing.

3:00 pm – Pornographic images of pizzacheeseburgerlasagnachickenstripschickenstripschickenst

3:10 pm – If I could have one wish it would be a seafood spaghetti with clams and mussels, a side of seared scallops, an authentic carbonara with no cream, parma ham with melon, shiitake mushrooms in sea urchin sauce…

3:15 pm – Still out of control on Instagram. Why don’t we have In-N-Out in Lebanon? And Five Guys? AND WENDY’S?? Junior Bacon Cheeseburger Deluxe for life.

3:30 pm – Starting to feel delirious and wondering if Clive Owen is a top or a bottom in bed because he SEEMS top but would totally shock you by being a bottom?

3:30 pm – Realized I’m not supposed to think about sex, I’m in this to win this. Trying to stop but it’s making me think of Lana Del Ray and like, is she a virgin? Because honestly she’s way too stiff and awkward to spread her legs properly – will discuss post iftar.

4:20 pm – If I ate an entire chocolate cake with a shovel it would be considered disgusting and insane, but if I was naked while I did it, it would be performance art. That’s the society we live in.

5:30 pm – This is normally my favorite time to have a black iced coffee the size of my head. I miss you black iced coffee RIP 🙁 love you.

5:40 pm – Just got into a fight with my mother who told me to stop going into the kitchen to check on food.

5:50 pm – peace restored with mother.

6:00 pm – I can almost taste the cheese pastries, they’re so near yet so far. Is this what WWII felt like? Probably identical.

6:05 pm – Just under two hours to go, I’ll watch two episodes of Hannibal to help tide me over.

6:30 pm – Hannibal just cooked a man and I’m finding that super appetizing to be honest.

6:31 pm – Would definitely try human liver if given the chance; just not mine because you know – alcohol.

7:10 pm – FORTY MINUTES TO GO. I am carefully planning what I’m going to shove in my face as soon as the clock strikes 7:50.

7:15 pm – Holy shit I’m going for the water, a gallon of it. Then French fries. Pastries. How can I incorporate Nutella-espresso brownies into this meal?

7:40 pm – Feeling v. creative at this point and feel like if I wrote a song to mussels marinara and told Taylor Swift it was about a guy we could probably both become billionaires off royalties?

8:00 pm – I’m full. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT IS THIS?

8:05 pm – Thoroughly disappointed, wanted to eat an ocean worth of foods.

8:06 pm – The only other time I remember being this upset was when I dressed up like a princess for Halloween and my mother’s friend asked if I was Bea from the Golden Girls. Good times.