Schedules are updated every Thursday.

Nadia Brickhouse 22 Aug 2015

Eleven Signs Your Guy is a New Age Man

Are you lacking direction in your life? Need a sense of purpose? Or perhaps you have the basics, but you’re still not eating right? Or you’re eating right, but not the kind of right? You’re definitely not exercising right. Never fear. New Age Man is here.

There is a glut of New Age Men roaming the streets of Beirut, a veritable New Age Man epidemic. You know the type. He thinks he is literally the next reincarnation of Steve Jobs – except he doesn’t have a job. He gives fitness advice like Jillian on The Biggest Loser – but he’s fat. Drinking a fruit juice? Like Amy Adams’s awful husband in Her, he’ll remind you that you should juice your vegetables and eat your fruits to benefit from the fiber. He tells you about his meditation practice – but he’s clearly a sociopath.

Here are 11 signs the guy you’re talking to is one of Beirut’s special brand of douche, the New Age Man.

1. He has a quasi-philosophical mandates in his Tinder profile.
2. He tells you that it’s important to think about your personal brand when you introduce yourself to someone, and you just met two minutes ago.
3. He says he is a lifestyle coach or inspirational speaker.
4. He’s been to India once but brings it up on a daily basis.

5. He’s planning on hiking a major mountain in the near future.
6. He has a beer belly, but eagerly offers you unsolicited advice on your fitness and eating regimen.
7. He says the Paleo diet is the only way to eat right. Whatever vegan diet you are on is actually secretly really unhealthy because you need meat to survive.
8. He has read “The Power of Now” and/ or “The Secret.”
9. He talks like he is giving a TED talk at every waking second.

10. He has zero respect for your boundaries, but he will be happy to explain to you what healthy boundaries are and how it’s important to set them.
11. He wants to tell you how all matter is energy and so really it’s frequencies that brought you together. He uses this as evidence that you should be fuck buddies.

All in all, the New Age Man is one to be avoided at all costs. If the man you’re talking to meets three or more of the above criteria, there is a strong risk that he is a New Age Man and you must run, not walk, to the nearest exit. No means no. The words that come out of his mouth are so far removed from any sense of meaning or truth that talking to him would be like trying to have a conversation with an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Some of his advice is sound – after all, a broken clock is right twice a day, but any wisdom he has is so overwhelmed by ego and nonsense that it’s meaningless.