The 5 Types Of Franco-Lebanese Voters In The French Elections

As you’ve all seen, the French elections have been (and still are) a series of unpredictable events. Opposing the usual candidates (the socialists (PS) and the right winged (Les Républicains)), these elections revealed to be very authentic this year with the great success of unusual candidates: Marine Le Pen, Emmanuel Macron and Jean-Luc Mélenchon.

While debates were on the front scene in France, we shall not forget about our lovely Frenchies in Lebanon who actually get to vote (I am one of them and I happen to be in one of the categories below, so please allow yourself some self-derision).

1. The self-racist bourgeoisie

These are usually people aged 45 and above, although this is not a strict rule. They live in Ash (Achrafieh), Badaro or Gemmayzeh and have never been to Hamgha (Hamra). They believe that they are a distinct race of Phoenicians or Levantines especially not to be confused with Arabs. The only problem is that they completely forgot they will be the first victims when she will decide to ban the double-nationality and abolish the “droit du sol” from the Constitution. They also come up with some amazing political and social analysis with a very distinct “Ash” accent:

“Yaaa, moi ça fait déjà une semaine que ma bonne est partie, regarde mes mains! (referring to the first time she ever had to do the dishes) Halla2 hay Marine Le Pen bet khawef shway la2an badda t2ashetna wra2na, bas enno il faut voter pour elle la2an c’est la seule qui va nettoyer la France ya3ne! Enno sara7a Paris sar fiha aktar mosquées men églises!”

Translation: Oh my god, it has been already a week since my maid has left, look at my hands! It is true that Marine Le Pen is a little scary, especially that she wants to take away our French nationality, but we must vote for her as she is the only candidate who will clean up France! Honestly, look at Paris, there are more mosques than churches there!”

“Je vote Marine Le Pen parce que la France et sa grande église sont en voie de disparition.”
Translation: I will vote for Marine Le Pen because France and its grandiose church are threatened of extinction.

“Marine Le Pen est la seule candidate qui peut redresser la France! Eza bi kaffo hek 7a ysir fihon metel ma sar fina!” (referring to Palestinian and Syrian refugees).
Translation: Marine Le Pen is the only candidate who can get France back on its feet! If they continue with their current policies, they will end up like us!”

2. The assertive economists

These are mostly young and middle-aged people, quite rich, who believe that poor people are just lazy. They have acquired a PHD in economics at birth and they can tell you with a 100% result guarantee that François Fillon is the only candidate who has a proper economic program and that the left is the main problem while France is sinking. They tend to have a very short memory and have already forgotten about the glorious years of Sarkozy. They usually own some house or apartment in France and do not wish to see the taxes increase in order for people to get proper health-care. They would come up with great sentences such as:

“Tu votes à gauche?! No way bgho (bro)! Man tu es complètement débile, il n’y a que Fillon qui a un programme économique qui va redresser la France. Enno qu’ils travaillent un peu les français, c’est tous des assistés! (knowing that they will go from being students to “estelem sherket papi”).
Translation: Are you voting for labour? No way bro! Man you’re such an idiot, only Fillon has a decent economic program that will push the economy up. Anyway, French people don’t even work, they all depend on state subventions!

“Ces médias mesh ma32oulin kif ils se sont acharnés sur François Fillon! Enno hayda akid shi complot politique la ykhasrou ! Moi je vote Fillon parce que je ne laisserais pas les médias déverser leur boue sur lui.”
Translation: It’s crazy how the media lashed out at Fillon! I am sure this is a plot against him in order to make him lose the elections. I will vote for Fillon because I will not allow the media to throw shit at his face.

3. The 220 naïfs/socialists

These are 220 people who voted for Benoît Hamon. They are most probably under the age of 35 and still dream of a utopia where everyone would be allocated a universal revenue. They have seen the world fall apart with Trump and Brexit and still think they can save the world with their vote. They were all faced with a heart breaking dilemma whether to vote for Hamon or Mélenchon and naively decided to follow their hearts. They have never opened an economics book but are deeply convinced that Hamon’s program is feasible. When you talk to them about how low he is in the polls, they will always say something like:

“Enno eh ba3ref, bas sara7a c’est le candidat le plus intègre et le plus honnête.”
Translation: Yeah I know, but honestly he’s the most upright and honest candidate.

The best part about them is that when Mélenchon lost, they were disappointed as if it wasn’t partly their fault because they “had to follow their hearts”.

4. The “tout sauf un Le Pen/Fillon” socialists

They usually are also young and middle-aged voters who hate Fillon and cannot stand to see the Front National in power. They give people lessons on Facebook but have not even made up their minds yet. One day they want to vote for Macron, the other they want to follow their hearts and vote Hamon and at night they are not sure whether Mélenchon is the answer. They have all acquired a PHD in political analysis and are there to educate the Facebook population. Their favourite sentence is “kelshi ella Le Pen/Fillon! Ya3ne 3anjad ce serait choisir entre la peste et le choléra!” (Translation: The worst scenario would be Le Pen/Fillon! It’s like choosing between the plague and cholera!). If they had been the campaign directors of any of the candidates they may support, I guarantee you the candidate in question would have won. The night before the elections they end up losing their minds and screaming to whoever wishes to hear it “abat le vote utile” but next morning, in the voting booth they casted Macron instead of Hamon. They will always tell you how much of a threat Le Pen is but are unable to vote for Fillon if he is facing her in the second round. Their typical interventions sound like:

“Hala2 sara7a el wade3 ktir sa3eb 7aliyan! Daroure daroure ma yotla3 Le Pen/Fillon. Bas enno bi zet el wa2et les médias sont en train d’orienter notre vote ! Ana b2oul enno il faut suivre ses convictions bas enno bet khaef ktir el ossa. Yalla yalla khalas 7a sawet Hamon!”

Translation: Honestly the situation is very complex at the moment! It is crucial that we are not faced with Le Pen/Fillon at the second round. At the same time, the media are controlling our votes! I really believe we should follow our convictions but the situation is too scary. Anyway, I am going to vote for Hamon!

5. The 50% visa-free customers

These are the very chill and relaxed 50% French registered on the electoral list in Lebanon who just couldn’t be bothered to go and vote. They probably had better plans by the beach or a very important family lunch at Mounir. They are generally not very concerned by politics, or maybe just don’t understand the concept of democracy (since, we aren’t exactly familiar with it in Lebanon). However, they become super French when it comes to traveling around without visas or applying to jobs abroad. They suddenly switch from smoking “arghileh 3al Manara” to drinking wine and cheese by the Eiffel Tower. They would usually give you very convincing excuses such as:

“Enno ma badda hal2ad man! Badda tefro2 3a sot ya3ne? Baleha, bfaddel enzal Pierre and Friends aw otla3 etghada bel jabal bro!”

Translation: Honestly it’s not big of a deal! It’s not like one vote is going to make the difference. It’s really not worth it, I’d rather go to Pierre and Friends or have lunch in the mountain, bro.