If Lebanese Instagram Captions Were Honest

The real meaning behind these Instagram classics:

1. No new friends

Honest version: I’ve been stuck with these people out of convenience and I don’t like most of them.

2. أمي هي حبي الوحيد or My Queen

Honest version: I rarely speak to my mom and when she calls I decline her calls. Most of the time we’re fighting over stupid shit, and I diss her cooking whenever I get the chance to.

3. #Blessed

Honest version: I saw Khloe Kardashian write it under her Instagram photo once and now I show people that I’m in the same emotional and financial state as the Kardashians.

4. *rap lyrics*

Honest version: I don’t know one rap song, and I hate listening to rap, but I want to appear cool and trendy.

5. Styled by, hair by, outfit by

Honest version: I aspire to be an “influencer” so I ran down to my smoke-infested tacky neighborhood salon and made a deal with the lady. She didn’t even have an Instagram, I created one for her so that my glam team can be credible.

6. Back to basics #fitlife

Honest version: I begged the coach at the gym so he could film me lifting weights. Now I’m hoping everyone can see this and be jealous of my healthy lifestyle.

7. Work hard, play hard

Honest version: I made my dad’s secretary take a picture of me while I’m sitting on his huge marble desk, to show off my family money which I made zero contribution to. My dad shouted at me and kicked me out when he came in and saw me playing in his office.

8. Set your head, heels, and standards high

Honest version: I wore the biggest pair of stripper heels I found and made my housekeeper take a photo of me while I pulled off the best serious face I could.

9. A selfie a day keeps the doctor away #sorrynotsorry

Honest version: A heavily-edited selfie with 5 filters a day keeps my raging insecurities away. #ibegyouttolikemypicture

10. Chin up princess, your tiara is falling

Honest version: I’m kind of delusional and sad, but I like to show people I think I’m a princess to instill a feeling of inferiority in them, when all it actually does is make me look like a 12 year old kid.

11. Thank you @anybakeryshop for these delicious treats

Honest version: @anybakeryshop does not even know I exist, but I like to give myself some importance by posting these stupid captions.

12. I’m wearing the smile you gave me.

Honest version: I’m wearing the smile Dr. Read Lattouf gave me. You don’t make me smile, you actually make me cry everyday because you cheat on me, you verbally abuse me on the regular, but I’m staying with you because you own a Ferrari and we dine in places like L’avenue every week.

13. A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinion of sheep

Honest version: I heard a friend talk shit about me, but because I have zero character and am too spineless to actually confront him, I’ll just post some passive aggressive quotes on social media.

14. Fries before guys.

Honest version: I actually eat 500 calories a day. I’m just going to pose with this burger meal and then proceed to throw it away. LOL, I would never choose fries before guys, I’ve slept with my best friends’ boyfriends.

15. M O O D

Honest version: I have zero excuses to post this picture of me getting suffocated by my boobs, so I just wrote this random word.

16. Monday blues.

Honest version: I’m actually unemployed and have no reason to hate Mondays.

17. Meetingsss.

Honest version: I’m sitting in Cafe Younes by myself, but I need to show the Instagram society that I’m a big shot.

18. Outfit of the day #ootd

Honest version: Look at my one expensive bag, which I didn’t actually buy myself.

19. *arbitrary age + star emoji + balloon emoji*

Honest version: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me happy birthday because my own parents forgot it.

20. New year, new me.

Honest version: I posted this so my ex can see it and think that I’m doing great without him/her – when I’m actually far from that.

21. You know it was good time when all the pictures were blurred.

Honest version: I look real ugly in high-definition pictures.

22. Take me back

Honest version: I need to remind you guys of this trip I took to the Bahamas 5 years ago, because I’m probably never setting foot on a plane again. #broke

23. Never looking back again

Honest version: I need an excuse to show how good my ass looks, so I put this irrelevant deep caption.