18 Gifts To Get For Someone You Truly Hate

Christmas is a time of joy and peace but I’m feeling pretty resentful towards a few people (the neighbor who hates my dog, people who don’t turn right on red lights, unreliable drug dealers, PR people, Ed Sheeran, assholes who take up two parking spots, the guy who runs the dolphin circus, Donald Trump…) so I thought it would be useful to come up with a handy gift guide for people you truly hate. Here it is:

1. Myriam Klink’s latest album.

The equivalent of ear cancer.

2. A ticket to North Korea.

Bon voyage.

3. Gift them a star in their name.

Lol this wins the award for most pointless gift that your dumb fuck teen boyfriend was most proud of.

4. A drum set for the child of the hated party.

5. A mug.

🙁 🙁 🙁

6. Tickets to watch a live taping of Take Me Out.

Where dumb jokes meet internalized misogyny.

7. The complete set of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Both the books and the DVDs.

8. A beach membership.

To a ladies only beach. For a man.

9. A gym membership.

The easiest way to say, “You’re fat and I hate your body.”

10. A gift card.

Taking money that can be spent anywhere and turning into money that can be spent only at Forever 21.

11. Sushi shawarma.

12. A donation in their name to a cause they don’t support.

13. Condoms.

For your abstinence-only friend.

14. A night with my ex-boyfriend.

AKA a night of pointless stories and sexual disappointment.

15. A plant.

Water this pointless item that will add exactly 0 value to your life.

16. An Aishti gift card for $20.

They can buy 0 items.

17. A cellphone belt harness.

To help them channel their inner serial killer vibes.

18. A pack of white socks.

Harsh.