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Fatima Al Mahmoud 03 Mar 2020

19 Things That Will Kill Us Before Corona Does

In light of the public panic over the coronavirus outbreak, we thought we’d pitch in with a list of things that are more likely to kill us.

1. Food poisoning from outdated seafood that has been sitting in Beirut’s ports

2. or from spoiled poultry at your favorite snack el “7ay”

3. All the toxic fumes we involuntarily inhale

There’s no such as thing as fresh air in Lebanon. It’s a hoax.

4. The smell of the garbage that hits you every time you’re out and about

5. The contaminated water we love to swim in during the summer

6. Driving on any dark and uneven highway

So basically, all of them.

7. Drunk drivers

8. Drivers who text and drive

9. Celebratory gunfire

Because your neighbor’s child passed their brevet exams.

10. Angry gunfire

Because your other neighbor’s child failed their brevet exams.

11. Gunfire in protest of the aforementioned gunfire

12. Probably Japan if we don’t give them Carlos Ghosn

13. Or any other country because we love to be involved in all regional conflicts

14. Politically affiliated groups if you criticize their leader

15. Your spouse beating you to death in a “passion crime”

Wish I were joking.

16. A complete stranger over a traffic dispute

17. or your neighbor over a parking spot

18. Your Lebanese mother if you lose her tupperware

19. A meteor

Wen sar hal nayzak?