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Bachar Bzeih 16 Sep 2022

10 Things to Do While Being Held Hostage at the Bank

Bank hold-ups have become a recurring event in daily life in Lebanon. While we don’t blame the depositors for reclaiming their money by force, it could very well be boring to find yourself stuck in a “heist”. But don’t worry, we have your backs. For those of you that do end up getting stuck, here are 10 things you can have fun doing the next time you’re a bank hostage.

1. Text your ex

These frozen deposits at the banks really reminded me of the frozen emotions between us, I really don’t want stay a hostage in the banks of love I have for you. Text me back.

2. Play some monopoly

Grab some Lebanese Lira, bust out that monopoly board, and organize a game with your fellow hostages. Just make sure the hostage-taker doesn’t hear who’s running the bank.

3. Pretend you’re in a movie

You’re the main character, are you the journalist embedded inside the story or the hero that’s gonna save the day. I’d probably prefer to be an unnamed extra.

4. Hold up a toy shield

Toy guns can only be defeated with toy shields. Make sure you’re prepared.

5. Help count the money

Every bank robber (or frozen deposit freer?) needs a right hand. Why not make yourself useful and go count the money? Slip a few into your pockets too, what’s the worst that could happen?

6. Do some yoga

Meditation and self-care is important in times of crisis. Find a nice open space, sit your ass down, and stay calm.

7. Do as much sudden movement as possible

Everyone knows that tense situations require the most sudden of movements. Jump, run, dance, sneeze. Everyone will appreciate it, especially all the crosshairs that get aimed at you.

8. Fall in love

Stockholm Syndrome? Never heard of it. My hostage-taker is so beautiful and strong, I wonder what they’re doing after this.

9. Contentify your life

Go on Facebook Live, post on Insta, make jokes on Twitter, write a list of ten things you can do while being held hostage at the bank… The options are endless, really.

10. Read the Communist Manifesto

Why are people so angry at banks? I hear this guy called Marx really hated them too back in his day, maybe it’s time to do some reading.