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Mia Arawi 04 Nov 2022

What If The Sopranos Was Set In Lebanon

One of the greatest television shows in history makes its way to Lebanon, what’s not to love?

1. Tony Soprano

– Works in construction contracting
– Lives in Dbayeh
– Once played poker at Casino du Liban with Rafic El Hariri and Nabih Berri
– Has said ana mish ta2ife then proceeded to beat a guy for being from a different sect
– Attended one semester of LAU, where he did not make the varsity football team
– Sends a crew every month to destroy nafa2 salim salam and then does maintenance on it

2. Carmella Soprano

– Has to be the best dressed at all the local funerals
– Aishti by the sea has a parking spot reserved in her name
– Donates a lot of money to the church, too much, don’t ask about her relationship to the local priest
– Convinced Tony to buy a second home in Faraya
– Has personal beef with Sethrida Geagea

3. Meadow Soprano

– AUB student
– Hates going back home because Dbayeh is so far
– Called her parents “traditional party sheeps” once
– Fetishises shi3a men
– #Thawra
– Future NGO worker

4. Christopher Moltisanti

– Lives in Batroun
– Addicted to hash (in a paranoid way)
– Has been an extra on a ramadan mosalsal
– Well known at the local police station
– Has a weird relationship with his former school principal

5. Adriana La Cerva

– Lives in Jbeil
– Local IT girl
– Very Frenchie
– Thinks going to Beirut is such a long trip
– Has many toxic BMW-driving exes

6. Paulie Gualtieri

– Lives in Achrafieh
– In a 20 year long beef with the nearest dekanje to his house
– Thinks Rafic El Hariri sara2 bas 3amar
– Believes Lebanon should have a dictator

7. Junior Soprano

– Lives in Antelias
– Fought in the civil war, talks about it too much
– Thinks kelon ya3ne kelon because all current politicians are weak and don’t have enough ruthless murder instincts

8. Jennifer Melfi

– Lives in Sin el Fil
– Was a school teacher for a while
– Calls the cops on her neighbors
– Attended AUB on a scholarship from Rafic El Hariri
– Thought Hassan Diab could save the country