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Bassel Obeid 09 Dec 2022

11 Lebanese Tips For A Happy International Anti-Corruption Day

Corruption has been completely eliminated in the Lebanese Republic. Under the rule of our gracious and mighty rulers, the largest to the pettiest of corrupt practices have been stamped down upon and removed from existence. For all our international friends out there who want to know the secrets of Lebanon’s anti-corruption success story, we’ve compiled a few tips for you to try out.

1. First things first, you must pass an anti-corruption law

Make sure to get all your top politicians involved in writing it, they often know best.

2. Then, you must pass *another* anti-corruption law

Obviously one law is not enough silly, but two just hits right. Ignore the pile over there that says “970 previous anti-corruption laws,” it’s not important.

3. After that, you must encourage mass divorce across the country

Confused as to why? See tip number 4.

4. Obviously, it’s not nepotism if it’s not your family

Too many son-in-laws causing corruption, the Great Divorce Campaign will ensure that they become just regular individuals. Then they’ll just be thriving and charismatic entrepreneurs utilizing good connection and market expertise.

5. Now, you must completely tank your local currency

Too many bribes going around? Some would say the secret is to pay your employees more, but we all know that the actual path forward is to make money absolutely worthless. Bonus points for when they have to bring a whole barrel of bills to bribe you because it’ll be that much easier to spot.

6. Take what’s left of this local currency and give 51% to your favorite person

Don’t question it.

7. Building on the 51% idea, make sure that there is a monopoly in every sector

Food, medicine, housing, health, diapers, cat food, bananas, fuel, every commodity must have an oligarch.

8. Feeling a bit sad about all this? Worry not because we’ve bribed a priest to come tell you how holy you are

“You are holy” – the priest

9. Make sure you count your blessings yourself, because our general directorate of counting is too incorruptible to count

Every time a number is counted you must go get a stamp to give to the 4th floor employee who has to redirect the paper to the 2nd floor where it will be recounted and sent up to the 6th floor who is unfortunately overwhelmed with work so after a few days you can – boom.

10. Fine. You’re right, we’re being too strict. You can let a random failson fly a national airplane, as a treat

Just make sure they’re not bopping too loud to the radio like a certain someone.

11. That’s how you do it, now sit back and finally enjoy the fruits of your labor at the FIFA World Cup Lebanon 2022

We’re sure it’ll go great.