If The Kardashians Were Born In Lebanon

As you probably already know, many Armenians ended up in Lebanon after the Ottoman Empire literally tried to kill them all. In Lebanon, many would end up settling in Bourj Hammoud. But for some reason, perhaps the most famous Armenian family in modern history, the Kardashians, ended up in the U.S. of A. What if, by some twist of fate, the ancestors of these walking blockbusters had ended up living in Lebanon instead of North America?

Well friends, we did the thinking for you, and here is how it could have gone down.

Robert Kardashian

One summer, out of boredom, he decided to visit his cousin in America, in the hopes of miraculously becoming a filthy rich permanent resident. A few months later, his efforts went in vain, pushing him to return to where he came from, Lebanon. But on the plane, he fell asleep and found the flight attendant poking his shoulder asking him to wake up, his eyes widened as he saw her…that’s her, that’s his future wife, mother of his children, the one and only “You’re doing amazing sweetie” Kris Houghton (Kardashian, Jenner).
P.S: Imagining his name pronounced in a French-Lebanese accent is crucial to this story.

Kris

Kris was promised a luxurious lifestyle in Lebanon, known as les nouveaux riches coming from America, but instead she found herself living with Robert’s parents in that same old house with a very tight income. She spent the rest of her nights cursing each little breath coming out of Robert. As the years passed by, they had four LUMINOUS children: Kourtney, Kimberley, Khlo0.e and Robert Jr. (Kris had insisted on naming them Western names since it was the only thing in her power to do in that miserable life of hers).

The kids grew up in Lebanon, and their lives would be forever changed

Kourtney

“The least interesting one to look at” according to her younger sister Kim. Kourtney would have killed for an expensive bachelor in Business and Marketing from LAU with the little amount of college funds her parents had saved for her. Her strong determination was partly for the sake of prestige and partly to show off in front of her two other high school friends. Nevertheless, after all of these sacrifices, she ended up working as an underpaid secretary at a dentist’s clinic.

Kim

As for Kim, she was never interested in getting educated in the first place. “What’s it for anyway?” was her usual response. Instead, Kim would have taken matters into her own hands, so she would have flown to Dubai, and would have done God knows what there to make it. Some pictures of her would have been leaked while wearing suspicious clothes in odd places in a series of endeavours with some sketchy business “liaisons”. But don’t worry. Kris would have come to the rescue of her (favourite) daughter and stopped all of the unpleasant rumours circulating around, by promoting her as an influencer for (unethical) makeup tips and diet plans.

Khloe

Khloe would have had an arranged marriage with their neighbour’s son, who keeps on abashedly betraying her. She in return, would keep on forgiving him, then cry herself to sleep while listening to Wael Kfoury’s old songs. In her opinion, everyone deserves a handful of chances…right? But let’s not be so hard on her, Khloe cherished motherhood deeply, so she would have been the kind of Armenian-Arab mother who would despite all odds keep on throwing for her children, big (boring) anniversary parties at McDonald’s and filming every bit of them with her phone glued to her hand.

Robert

As for Robert Junior, his grades were horrible in school, and he failed all of his classes. He would have wasted all of his afternoons, spending his pocket money on basterma sandwiches instead of attending his pre-paid math lessons at the Study Center. The only hour he longed for was lunch time as he loved it more than his actual parents. The Maalem shawarma and basterma were his closest, dearest friends, and Basterma Mano was his favorite trip. All he did was think of them with a grumbling tummy during the last period at school. They were his role models and so here he would be, as a grown-up working in a meat shop, as a true professional Maalem.

Poor Robert junior wasn’t always lucky with the gals until last year, when his world went upside down due to the economical crisis. Because of his direct access to meat, all women would be lined up praying to be the lucky one who caught his interest. Life is funny in some ways… isn’t it?

At around 4:00 PM every day, you can always count on him to meet up ma3 el shabeb in the neighborhood for a few beers and some arguile.

Last but definitely not least, we’re sorry to tell you that Kendall and Kylie were never born in this version of the story, because Kris stuck it out with her first husband. Even though she might have thought about running away multiple times, she never had the means for it, so she was stuck with Robert till the end of time.