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William Daou 20 Jan 2023

8 New Lebanese Myths We Can All Repeat Forever

We’ve all heard the tales about how Lebanon is at the centre of all civilization, how we invented the alphabet, were the first to sail across the Atlantic, and invented the television (that one is actually true), but how about we get some new myths to hang our phoenixes on.

Here are 8 carefully researched and curated new Lebanese myths we can all bring up when we’re talking to random white people at bars.

1. Lebanese people have the largest hummus dick

Wait, wires were crossed there. Stand by for an update.

2. Lebanon is the home of freethinking genius entrepreneurs who are not wanted internationally for multiple crimes


3. Lebanon has already colonized Mars

Everyone has an uncle in NASA, and they’ve finally gone rogue. The Union of Lebanese NASA Uncles (ULNU) has officially been colonizing Mars since 2003, with the Martial city of New Zahle serving as the capital of the Lebanese Republic of Mars. What’s next, reverse colonizing France perhaps?

4. We actually invented our own language!

Mandarin Chinese actually comes from the ancient scrolls of Phoenicia and spread through the silk road. What you hear today is an amalgamation of Arabic and Chinese that has been adopted and shaped by the Lebanese tongue.

5. Lebanon was visited by an alien spaceship

As part of the Mars-Pluto War of 2009. Today the effects of this alien invasion can be seen in some of the lizards occupying prominent positions in Lebanon’s government and parliament.

6. An AUB student discovered that the Earth is a trapezoid

The Harvard of the Middle East strikes again! After single handedly founding the United Nations, AUB’s brilliant, exceptional, and wonderful students have made groundbreaking breakthroughs in Galileo studies.

7. The Phoenix was actually a dragon

And it was ridden by a white haired Targaryen as they flew across the anti-Lebanon mountain range and formed the Seven Kingdoms of Lebanon and Syria – wait is this copyright infringement? HBO, look away.

8. 1732580

Lebanon’s people sure love their special numbers. But aren’t we all bored of the 10,452s and 961s? Here’s a brand new randomly generated set of numbers we can all parrot around.

17 = the times it will take to elect a president in Lebanon
32 = the years Nabih Berri has been office
5 = the girl reading this<3
8 = Elie el Ferzli
0 = corruption rate