Schedules are updated every Thursday.

Labib Mansour 07 Feb 2023

If The WWE Was Set In Lebanon

Who doesn’t enjoy some fake ass fighting from time to time? The pinnacle of sports entertainment has been described as one of the greatest soap operas of our time, but just like other soap operas it is reliant on a series of tropes, cliches, and stereotypes to get its message across. If primetime wrestling were to be set in Lebanon, here’s how it will look like.

1. Jad Firas

– Sect-ambiguous name because he is a national hero
– Has been world champion for as long as Nabih Berri has been Speaker
– Salutes the jeish and the police every episode
– Is the face of a BLOM Bank ad campaign
– Finishing move is the tabbouleh, signature moves are: the spinning arze and the phoenix slam

2. Haifa-lite

– Calls herself the greatest diva of all time
– Has 5 wrestler boyfriend-bodyguards who she uses to keep her undisputed women’s championship
– Former Miss Lebanon contestant
– Finisher is the botox bomb, signatures are selfie slam and $16 million.

3. Aristocrat and Aristocratiye

– Blonde twins
– Only speak in French
– Sponsored by MTV
– Finisher is the rou7 3a baladak, signatures are the dareebe and the etiquette

4. 22 Azar

– Group of 4 wrestlers, led by Za3im Za3em Zou3am.
– Fly a flag of a different country each week
– Whenever a referee tries to stop them cheating, they all gang up on him and force him to resign
– Finisher is the za3im-bomb, signatures are terseem el 7doud and dawlet el anoun

5. The Prime Referee

– Everyone thinks he’s bought out and controlled by a foreign conspiracy, is just generally incompetent.
– Record in “I Quit” matches is 0Ws 50Ls
– Finisher is the theleth el mo3atel, signatures are the bayan driver and the mithaq multi-slam.

6. Abou Khashbeh

– Undefeated in street fight matches
– Multiple time Royal Rumble champion (uses a gun)
– Finisher is the rou7 wle, signatures are the tej rasak slam and the flying majles

7. Rey Formsterio

– Cruiserweight former NGO employee
– Permanent underdog, calls all their opponents sulta thugs
– Has never held a championship
– Finisher is the mojtama3 el dowale, signatures are cooptation bomb and PR slam.