Those Americans are quite a weird bunch aren’t they? The greatest event of their sporting year occurred yesterday, as the Kaiser City Chiefs beat the Philadelphia Eagles to win the 2023 Superbowl championship rings. That’s all fine and dandy, but what if we took this sporting extravaganza and transposed it to the great shores of ancient Phoenicia? Welcome to Lebanbowl 2023.
The “Football”
– Jal el Dib Debs vs Nabatieh Nemrs at the Camille Chamoun Stadium in Beirut. – No one really cares do they? We’re here for the parties, halftime show, and commercials.
The Parties
– Lebanese people really didn’t need another excuse to party did they? – The main Lebanbowl food is a cheetos dipped in laban with a sprinkle of Mountain Dew, an homage to American culture. – The main drink is Almaza lite cherry beer, don’t ask questions. – Lebanbowl traditions include: sa7asee7 to the losing team’s fans, shooting in, at, or around every city in the country, putting fer2e3 inside balls and shooting them into the sky. – The Monday after the Lebanbowl is always declared a national holiday.
The Halftime Show
– Please welcome, making her special return to music after a long hiatus: Najwa Karam – She is joined on stage by the Lebanbowl mascot: an eighteen armed golden cedar tree – Karam’s 15 minute performance starts at the airport, she then drives across taree2 el matter with her dancing crew, making stops at iconic landmarks such as Hoops and Fantasyland, before eventually landing on the stadium’s pitch in a Lebanese Army helicopter. – The camera cuts to special guests in the crowd, including figures such as Carlos Ghosn, Nabih Berri, Fadlo Khuri, and Ghada Aoun all swaying along to Karam’s magical melodies. – To end the halftime show, Najwa Karam disappears into thin air, never to be seen again.
The Commercials
– Master’s advertises their new finger-killing good kettle-cooked flavors in collaboration with Nancy Ajram. – BLOM Bank tells us all about how good their services are through the 10 last Miss Lebanons. – Toters presents a featured short film centered around a delivery, directed and written by Nadine Labaki. – Beirut Beer’s commercial stars Nadine Nassib Njeim and Taim Hassan as they traverse an al Hayba-styled obstacle course to get their hands on the magical green beer. – Malik’s runs the quirkiest commercial of the day, bringing Marcel Ghanem, George Saliba, and Hicham Haddad to the first annual Bald-mania as they wrestle over who gets to run the printer. – Some random NGO who’s name we’ll all forget tomorrow gets Amal Clooney to tell us all about whatever cause.
Bonus: the post-game riots
– “Leh dayman el fera2 b mante2na badda tokhsar?” – “El 7akam men 3andon shu metwe2e3, mabyou3a men el awal.” – Someone throws a molotov cocktail at Al-Jadeed, because why not.
