{"id":40412,"date":"2015-05-03T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-05-03T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beirut.com\/40412\/the-dos-and-donts-of-air-travel-a-guide-for-the-lebanese"},"modified":"2023-08-11T04:06:04","modified_gmt":"2023-08-11T04:06:04","slug":"the-dos-and-donts-of-air-travel-a-guide-for-the-lebanese","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beirut.com\/en\/40412\/the-dos-and-donts-of-air-travel-a-guide-for-the-lebanese\/","title":{"rendered":"The Do’s and Don’ts of Air Travel: A Guide for the Lebanese"},"content":{"rendered":"Every time I get on an airplane I have the feeling that whoever sits next to me is going to be my future husband. Perhaps you\u2019ll say I\u2019ve seen too many movies. But my logic is, of all the 7 or 8 billion people on planet earth, what are the odds that this person sits next to you? Clearly, this must be your soul mate.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I boarded my flight home to Beirut and my seat\/ soulmate appears. He\u2019s pudgy, bald, and unkempt, the most noticeable thing about him was his grimace. He requested not one but two extra cheese-and-turky sandwiches and then proceeded to fart the entire way home to Beirut. SBDs. Silent But Deadlies. He was a weird guy, you could tell from the get-go. For one thing, he asked me to hold his coat for him during the plane ride. For another thing he complained to me that he had no place to put his laptop.


(Image via Tumblr<\/a>)

\u201cDown there,\u201d I motioned to the space underneath the seat in front of him, as everyone knows from infancy is the correct place to shove all personal belongings for the duration of the in-flight safety videos.

\u201cThere\u2019s no room!\u201d he complained, as though I cared.

As we bickered about whether he might be able to fit the laptop beneath the seat, I said a silent prayer, God, why have you cursed me with such a stupid husband?

Like any wife pissed at her partner, I watched half of some violently anti-woman Hollywood film starring Sandra Bullock and then turned it off to sulk.

In any case, in between this man\u2019s farts I began thinking about some of the Do\u2019s and Don\u2019ts of Air travel.

DON\u2019T<\/b>: Fart extensively whilst flying. But if you must fart during the plane ride, do be sure to blame it on the person seated in front of you.

DO<\/b>: Do something nice. Everyone acts like such a jerk when they\u2019re flying that even the tiniest act of kindness will make you appear like Mahatma Ghandi. This is your time to shine. At the baggage carousel, assist the elderly and small children in lifting heavy baggage.

DON\u2019T<\/b>: Freak out in case of turbulence. Whenever the plane makes a slight dip, I am immediately convinced that we\u2019re all about to die too. These are our last moments of life \u2013 savor them. But let\u2019s just keep it to ourselves, for the sake of morale, shall we? Don\u2019t want to scare the fellow passengers. <\/big>


(Image via Tumblr<\/a>)

One thing I find massively ironic is that babies love turbulence. The rest of the flight they cry like they\u2019re being tortured, but give them a shaky plane and they\u2019re nestled like they\u2019re back in the womb. Maybe they\u2019re onto something? <\/big>


(Image via quickmeme.com<\/a>)

DO<\/b>: Applaud when the pilot safely lands the plane on the runway at BEY. This is such a delightful custom, and I fear it\u2019s dying out. From now on, let\u2019s all make a mental note to clap to show your appreciation for the pilot\u2019s hard work.

DON\u2019T<\/b>: Smoke in the airplane. You\u2019d really think this would go without saying, but, I shit you not, a friend of mine was flying to Beirut recently and there was a woman who smoked a cigarette in the bathroom. Still, you have to admire the balls of someone who, in the paranoid year of 2015, smokes in an airplane.

DO<\/b>: Chew nicotine gum (if you\u2019re a smoker). Smokers always hate going long flights without a smoke break, but chewing nicotine gum on board a plane while everyone else is just fiending for a cigarette will make you feel like you\u2019re getting away with something.

DON\u2019T<\/b>: Get too drunk. Everyone always just wants to get wasted so you can black out on the flight and pretend it\u2019s not really happening, but let me tell you there\u2019s nothing fun about thinking you\u2019re two minutes away from an overdose 5,000,000 feet in the air. <\/big>


(Image via Tumblr<\/a>)

DO<\/b>: When you get to the people mover- KEEP WALKING. Why do people stop and stand on that thing?

DON\u2019T<\/b>: Make a stink about having to turn your phone on airplane mode during takeoff. There\u2019s nothing worse than the one passenger who refuses to turn off his phone, as though this is the most onerous request anyone has ever made of him. The least you can do is pretend to turn it off until the flight attendants aren\u2019t looking.<\/big>


(Image via memecdn.com<\/a>)

In case you\u2019re wondering what happened to my future husband \u2013 we parted ways at customs and never saw each other again.

Thank God. <\/big>
\"\"<\/figure>
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