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<\/p>\nA good friend once gave me the following advice about sending a text message to a prospective love interest: before you hit send, imagine the words displayed on a jumbotron screen inside a stadium for thousands upon thousands of people to see.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s solid advice, but it poses a huge problem for me because I am intensely socially awkward and have ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF BOUNDARIES whatsoever. Also, I’m too lazy to go through all that text-game bullshit that normal people engage in.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So while my current number one talent involves giving incredible head massages. (No really, I know how to work a scalp the way Miley Cyrus knows how to work a Victoria\u2019s Secret model in a dark alleyway on a hot summer night), I also happen to be the queen of sending absurd texts. Countless times I\u2019ve sent what I initially believed to be a succinct and thoughtful text message only to re-read it afterward and realize it was quite possibly the most awkward thing ever communicated to another human being. [Much of this behavior can be attributed to my inability to be embarrassed or ashamed of my own actions.]<\/p>\n
My only real rule for sending a text message is refraining from the use of \u2018lmao,\u2019 \u2018rofl\u2019 or \u2018lols\u2019 of any kind. lol<\/b> the only thing that enrages me more than someone who uses \u2018lol\u2019 in a text message is someone who begins and ends an entire sentence with it lol<\/b>.<\/p>\n
Also, I try not to send generic greetings that offer no useful avenues for real conversation. Sometimes I\u2019m forced to do this because I’m masturbating to pictures of a dude\u2019s face when he texts, and so all I can muster is a “Hey\u201d with my one free hand. But that is the only exception.<\/p>\n
So here\u2019s a list of texts I find myself wanting to send to guys I really dig but absolutely never would because they make me sound like a psychotic bitch. <\/p>\n
Him:<\/b> It was great seeing you the other day.
Me:<\/b> I\u2019ve masturbated to your face about five times since then.<\/p>\n
Him:<\/b> Heyyyooo
Me:<\/b> You are so cute i want to cut you into pieces and eat your face.<\/p>\n
Him:<\/b> Heading to the grocery store after work…
Me:<\/b> I would drop all of my plans in an instant if you want to hang out with me tonight.<\/p>\n
Him:<\/b> Hey, what\u2019s up?
Me:<\/b> Fantasizing about you spread out on the couch watching all of your favorite shows on Netflix while I feed you donuts and bacon.<\/p>\n
Him:<\/b> Work is so busy today.
Me:<\/b> UGGGGGH TOUCH MY FACE.<\/p>\n
Take it from me, peeps, playing games is for chumps.
*Laugh cringe*
*Cringe cringe*<\/p>\n
[Accept that I\u2019m the social equivalent of a tennis ball and click away from the page.]<\/b><\/big><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A good friend once gave me the following advice about sending a text message to a prospective love interest: before you hit send, imagine the words displayed on a jumbotron screen inside a stadium for thousands upon thousands of people to see.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":416855,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_preview_accessed":0,"footnotes":""},"tags":[],"media-embed-type":[],"class_list":["post-41907","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"authorship":[186],"yoast_head":"\n