{"id":42268,"date":"2015-07-27T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-07-27T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beirut.com\/42268\/really-weird-things-i-do-when-im-home-alone"},"modified":"2015-07-27T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2015-07-27T00:00:00","slug":"really-weird-things-i-do-when-im-home-alone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beirut.com\/en\/42268\/really-weird-things-i-do-when-im-home-alone\/","title":{"rendered":"Really Weird Things I Do When I’m Home Alone"},"content":{"rendered":"

Welcome to the inner workings of a vast, dark and scary place known as my mind. Now, I live with a roommate (my boyfriend), and when he\u2019s home: I dress cute, act normal, clean up, and act like a goddamn Michelin star chef. But sometimes, he\u2019s not here. Sometimes, he goes away for the weekend. And that\u2019s when the weird f*cking crazy sh*t commences. I\u2019m leading a double life, y\u2019all. <\/p>\n

And puh-lease\u2026 save your judgment for some other stupid Internet article. Everyone does weird sh*t when they are home alone. The freedom brings out the craziness in us all. Here\u2019s a full disclosure list of the things I do when I\u2019m all by myself:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

— Sing into my vibrator like it\u2019s a microphone to Jim Croce songs.<\/p>\n

— Talk to my dog with every intention of her understanding what I\u2019m saying. \u201cAre you from Nigeria?\u201d [I\u2019m totally convinced she is].<\/p>\n

— When I’m making food I pretend I’m on a cooking show and explain what I’m doing out loud. Even if I’m just making a grilled cheese sandwich. I am clearly the star of my own universe.<\/p>\n

— Walk around naked.<\/p>\n

— Sprint up the stairs at night (because it’s dark and I’m home alone, obvi).<\/p>\n

— Pick my nose like a maniac. Side note: this also sometimes happens when I\u2019m zoned out on my morning commute to work, but then I get the sudden realization that just because I\u2019m in my car – it does not mean I\u2019m invisible to the outside world.<\/p>\n

— I go full barbarian on my food, and eat like a pig. No cutlery. Just me, a slab of bacon, and the sink. Nom nom.<\/p>\n

-Try to do this one cool fighting move I saw in some movie. Immediately regret it as I limp to my bed.<\/p>\n

— Lay on the floor for an unreasonable amount of time.<\/p>\n

— Casually wink at myself in the mirror.<\/p>\n

— Refrain from showering until absolutely certain I will be coming into contact with another human body.<\/p>\n

— Cry at random TV commercials.<\/b><\/big><\/p>\n

[Images via ” target=”_new”>here<\/a> and here<\/a>.]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Welcome to the inner workings of a vast, dark and scary place known as my mind.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":416685,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_preview_accessed":0,"footnotes":""},"tags":[],"media-embed-type":[],"class_list":["post-42268","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"authorship":[186],"yoast_head":"\nReally Weird Things I Do When I'm Home Alone<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Welcome to the inner workings of a vast, dark and scary place known as my mind.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beirut.com\/en\/42268\/really-weird-things-i-do-when-im-home-alone\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" 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