{"id":51458,"date":"2017-04-23T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-04-23T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beirut.com\/51458\/the-five-people-every-lebanese-has-on-their-social-media"},"modified":"2017-04-23T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-04-23T00:00:00","slug":"the-five-people-every-lebanese-has-on-their-social-media","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beirut.com\/en\/51458\/the-five-people-every-lebanese-has-on-their-social-media\/","title":{"rendered":"The Five People Every Lebanese Has On Their Social Media"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ah! Social media\u2026 The beloved of millennials and the frenemy of all of us \u201coldies\u201d who harbour a love\/hate relationship with it. Whichever category you fall into\u2026 If you are Lebanese, you will end up having to deal with these same five people on your many social media accounts.<\/p>\n

1.The \u201cLook at me having me so much fun\u201d serial socialite <\/b>

This is the person who will ALWAYS be out. You wake up on a Tuesday morning to find your Facebook timeline hijacked by photos of their bar-hopping evening, unfolding before your still tired eyes. HOW? It\u2019s a school night. Bloody go to sleep at a reasonable hour already! They are only rivalled by the people on your Whatsapp groups who beep each other at midnight asking whether anyone is \u201cup for a beer\u201d, followed by a glamorous shot of them waiting for you at \u201cinsert name of trendy bar here\u201d. No, Rami. I am not \u201cup for a beer\u201d. I am in my pyjamas, with foaming toothpaste at the lips, impatiently counting down the obligatory 2 minutes of tooth brushing so I can go to bed.<\/p>\n

2. The \u201cLook at how great my zaeem is\u201d eternally loyal partisan <\/b>

This is the person whose Twitter feed is full of \u201ccool, down with the people\u201d quotes from their chosen zaeem. Their Facebook timeline is riddled with political analyses authored by their most admired political figure. Their Whatsapp messages are just invites to the latest rally for their zaeem. Their Instagram? You\u2019ve guessed it. Photos of same zaeem, looking in turn benevolent, fierce, playful and serious. I get you are infatuated with your zaeem. Can you however please spare us their made-up nonsensical analyses, their false promises, their real lies and their faked benevolence? Most of all, can you just please, please, for the love of all that is pure \u2013 like unicorns, which are, incidentally, more real than your zaeem\u2019s love for the country \u2013 spare us having to see your zaeem\u2019s face every time we open Instagram? I can hear my neurons screaming!<\/p>\n

3. The obnoxious pseudo-intellectuals <\/b>

Before you brandish your indignant pitchfork, just know I myself am an AUB alumni. Luckily for me and my friends, I completed my years at AUB before the advent of social media. I shudder to think of what would have happened had I not. Basically, I would have been the twat posting photos of me reading books at the Jafet Library. This would be followed by a photo featuring a highlighted page of some obscure book on the \u201cmerits of punctuation in the works of Sartre\u201d. This would have been topped by a post featuring a fleeting thought on feeling bored while watching the Kardashians, masquerading as a deep, philosophical, existential epiphany about celebrity-driven societies and ennui as inspired by Nietzsche. Aggghh! Just\u2026 Go away.<\/p>\n

4. The \u201cI am Kamil\u2019s mom\u201d quintessential Lebanese mom<\/b>

Kamil\u2019s mom has discovered social media. Since then, she\u2019s been tagging you every time she shares an article related to dieting, because, you know, you once happened to say that dieting is not a thing and she wants to prove you wrong. Kermel se7tik ya tante! Kamil\u2019s mom\u2019s Instagram feed is full of embarrassing photos of Kamil\u2019s childhood and present. I could have done without witnessing him clipping his nails. \u201cHabibi shou mahdoum, even when he\u2019s curring his nails\u201d reads the caption. Kamil\u2019s mum also sends you Facebook messages like she was texting and they were private. \u201cHi Haifa. I wish you a happy birthday, full of love and happiness. Don\u2019t eat the whole cake this year. Hugs. Tante Amale\u201d. Luckily, Tante Amale has not been able to get used to the short nature of Twitter messages. \u201cBreathes a sigh of relief\u201d.<\/p>\n

5. The \u201cLook at all this Lebanese food I am having\u201d enthusiast food photographer<\/b> <\/p>\n

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A post shared by G H A D A ~ K \ud83c\udf52 R T B A W I (@ghadakortbawi)<\/a> on