Listomania
100 Thoughts You Have While Driving from Beirut to Jounieh
Known for its intense mental and physical impact, driving from Beirut to Jounieh is one of the most traumatic life experiences you have to go through in Lebanon. Many drivers have lost their words (and minds) trying to explain it, but it can perhaps best be described as a much-dreaded existential journey of survival, patience, and profound agony to all those who frequently experience it.
The 100 thoughts below are only a small excerpt. Feel free to spill yours in the comments.
1. Do I really have to do this again?
2. Really?
3. AGaiN?
4. Dear selves, I apologize in advance to each and every one of you for having to put you through another round of road madness.
5. [Why do I have so many selves?]
6. You too, beloved vehicle, kindly accept my sincere apologies.
7. *toughens grip on steering wheel*
8. On y va!
9. Highway? Seaside?
10. ????????
11. …………………
12. I wonder how many fatal accidents I will have to dodge in today’s attempt to blend into the highway…
13. Move over, bus.
14. [Who am I kidding?]
15. OK, don’t move over, bus. I’ll wait.
16. Meanwhile, can someone enlighten the Toyota behind me on the notion of ‘Safe Distance’?
17. And the Kia to my left on the notion of ‘Personal Space’?
18. MOVE OVER, BUS!
19.Is honking an option yet?
20. Wait no, I’mma keep it classy and gracious here.
21. WHAT’S UP WITH YOU, RENAULT?
22. [Classy and gracious. Classy and gracious.]
23. AND YOU, PICKUP TRUCK WITH ONE STOP LAM…
24. Wait, what?
25. Who exactly do you think you are, white Jeep Madam?
26. And more importantly, what lane did you even emerge from?
27. YOU SHALL NOT BYPASS!
28. *successfully blocks every possible way with a minor risk of mirror-mirror collision*
29. Watch and learn, woman, watch and learn.
30. On another note, I should work more on my ‘don’t mess with me’ gaze.
31. You can do so much better, Christina.
32. I am deeply disappointed in y…
33. HOW COME I’VE BEEN IN THE SAME EXACT SPOT FOR THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT?
34. HOW COME I’VE BEEN in JAL EL DIB FOR 25 MINUTES STRAIGHT?
35. HOW COME I’VE BEEN ASKING THE SAME EXACT QUESTIONS FOR FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT?
36. Is this a good time to practice my breathing technique?
37. Maybe I should open the windows a little to let in some fresh air as long as we’re at it.
38. Inhale, exh…
39. *shuts windows*
40. Still can’t decide if the smell outside is more garbage or sewage.
41. Is sewagarbage a thing?
42. Could make a good addition to the Oxford English Dictionary if you ask me.
43. Or maybe we could ask the Mercedes in front of me to move faster?
44. Or actually move at all?
45. CAN YOU HEAR MY CRY FOR MERCY-DES?
46. DO YOU NEED A LITTLE PUSH OR SOMETHING?
47. Calm down, Christina, you’re driving a Hyundai not a spaceship.
48. [Don’t listen to them, beloved vehicle.]
49. YO BENZ, LEMME TEACH YOU A THING OR TWO ABOUT DR…
50. Okay maybe just not this time.
51. On a slightly brighter note, GUESS WHO JUST MADE IT PAST THE NAHR EL KALB TUNNEL!
52. *tears of joy*
53. *tears of regret*
54. Kaslik bottleneck, here I come!
55. Hell on wheels is the name of the game.
56. Every day is just the same.
57. This poem is getting so lame.
58. AND KASLIK TRAFFIC IS TO BLAME.
59. Why are the voices inside my head animating their own failed radio show now?
60. *honks at van*
61. What happened to classy and gracio-
62. *honks at van*
63. What happened to clas-
64. *honks at van*
65. What hap…
66. WHY DO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION VANS EXIST AGAIN?
67. [Why do I exist again?]
68. Enough existentialism, let’s play a little game.
69. Is today ‘finding typos in billboards’ or ‘rating neighboring male drivers based on hotness’ day?
70.
Um, how about ‘knocking the zigzag-driving Honda to my right’ day?
71. [Also, all these car models on the planet and you choose a CR-V????]
72. There are too many things my cognition is unable to process in this world.
73. SUCH AS THE FACT THAT I’M STILL IN KASLIK.
74. [Does Kaslik ever actually end?]
75. *almost bumps into the car in front*
76. That was close!
77. MY RIGHT LEG HURTS.
78. MY WRISTS HURT.
79. *loud beeping coming from far behind*
80. Well, at least my ears are safe and sound.
81. By the way, is it too late for the radio to play my jam?
82. Come on Light FM, I know you’ve got it!
83. [Is a personal driver too much to ask for, dad?]
84. *sighs towards rearview mirror*
85. I look kinda okay for the psycho-emotionally devastated soul I am right now.
86. So I look in the mirror for a millisecond AND THREE DIFFERENT CARS SNEAK IN FRONT OF ME?
87. I can’t believe how low modern day humans have sunk.
88. Even you, black Suzuki?
89. You’ve stuck behind me the entire ride and now you’re dumping me just like that?
90. I thought we were friends?!
91. *assembles hair into ponytail*
92. Ugh, why does traffic suddenly move every time I’m about to fix my hair?
93. [On a slightly brighter side, it’s moving.]
94. Did anyone say moving?
95. WELCOME TO JOU-…
96. *45 dead minutes later*
97. -NIEH.
98. What do you mean I passed Jounieh?
99. Lord, I am wholeheartedly grateful and just profoundly thankful for this blissful moment of glory, light and profound relief, and earnestly repent for any ungraceful honking and/or inconsiderate shouting that may have occurred today, bearing in mind that I’m still alive and rolling despite the 27 near-death driving experiences I’ve faced along the way, amen.
100. I’m just surprised you’re still reading my thoughts at this point.