Whether it’s you fulfilling an oft-forgotten New Year’s resolution (yeah, remember that?) or deciding it’s high time to “finally” get in shape, you’re bound to bump into a wide assortment of characters at any gym in Lebanon. And whether they’re huffing and puffing and tossing weight plates left and right or groaning their way to a six-pack, they’ll be sure to distract you from your workout. The following are the five most common personalities you’ll find in Lebanon’s gyms:
A staple of just about every Lebanese gym and usually found near the largest mirror in the room, this is the guy who’ll rip through 20 bicep curls in under a minute and spend the next twenty admiring his flexing self like he was Michelangelo’s David. The Peacock is guaranteed to be wearing the shortest shorts and/or the tightest shirts (essential for puffing out one’s pectorals like they’re going to fall off), much to everyone’s discomfort. You’ll stare just because you can’t imagine how a human body can run purely on narcissism.
She can be summarized in one 21st century word: selfie. Her phone case combines all of the rainbow’s colors, but that’s still not the loudest thing about her outfit. Clad in a matching Juicy Couture sweatsuit and in full make-up, InstaFit will grow to be the Mid-Life Crisis Mommy of the future, with the same sweatsuit. Dedicating her time at the gym to taking the perfect selfie, she faces the tough challenge of only Instagramming one of the hundred or so shots that were just so “Oh Em Gee Kayoot”. Avoid at all costs, unless you enjoy taking fashion advice from someone who’s never broken a sweat, and workout advice from a hashtag-heavy Instagram page.
Sure to be the cornerstone every gym is built on, the Tank comes in one shape and one size: big. More often than not, the Tank will be the gym’s resident expert, even if you didn’t ask for one. He can usually be seen roaming around his protein-packed kingdom shooting looks of disapproval at those who aren’t heavy lifters and barking motivation at those who bench press their body weight. Steer clear of this human mountain or dance with the devil and ask Tank for workout tips, I’m sure the steroids haven’t fried his brain yet.
The soundtrack to every gym is an odd mix of the latest hits mashed with interspersed grunts that emanate from a human ghetto-blaster, otherwise known as the Grunter. A rare specimen in the gym’s ecosystem, as shame generally confines them to schedule workouts when the weights room is empty, he can’t help the fact that his every flex and lift brings out a lion’s roar of a groan.
Believed to be a sad remnant of evolution who scared off other cavemen; he has decided to embrace who he is, and unfortunately so will you.
Definitely the least appealing character on the list, and doubly the most disgusting by a long stretch. Having the superhuman ability to exude sweat from just about every square inch of his body, he’s the menace of the average germophobe, leaving any equipment he uses wallowing in a river of salty sweat. Commonly known by gym folk as the reason you’re forced to wipe down benches, or alternatively why one should use the bench before Buckets gets to it. The overheating man can’t seem to catch a break, but then again, it’s kind of hard when you’re standing in a puddle of your own bodily fluids. Keep your distance, and don’t forget your towel.
