It has recently come to light that the Lebanese people are eating shit. No, I don’t mean we’re figuratively eating shit because of a dictatorial parliament, lack of infrastructure, no security, and soaring unemployment rates – I mean literal, actual shit.

We are apparently ingesting feces by the pound and doing it with a huge smile on our faces to boot. In the last few days, Health Minister Wael Abu Faour released a list of establishments serving “unsafe” food tainted with traces of sewage and fecal matter. It is now up to us to decide which meals are worth a little poop. For example, in the battle between going to town on an order of nachos tainted by 0.05% fecal matter or eating a squeaky clean piece of celery – well, I think it's clear the nachos win this round.

So, what foods are worth it? Here is a countdown of what I shall dub “doody-foods,” ranked from least appetizing to most delicious.

6. TSC

(Photo via

I’m glad you’re on this proverbial shit-list, TSC – because there is no reason people should be eating at supermarkets. Supermarkets are intended to serve two purposes: late night condom runs, and somewhere you can buy a soothing green tea, certainly not a place to enjoy an elaborate sushi dinner. Bye, TSC.

5. Hawa Chicken

(Photo via

I don’t know if you’re worth it, Hawa Chicken – your rotisserie chicken isn’t very delicious and your marketing strategy worries me (you offer too much free chicken for my comfort). Additionally, your color scheme is reminiscent of a 1940’s health clinic that was burned to the ground by rioters after an abortion scandal. For your reference, this all takes place in Texas in my imagination.

4. Abdel Rahman Hallab

(Photo via

Hallab is one of the most renowned sweets shops in the country. I personally don’t enjoy Lebanese sweets, but I have a father who would sooner cut off his own arm and dip it in sugar-water than be told her can’t eat his weekly helping of baklava.

3. McDonald’s

(Photo via

It is my personal belief that we are all in an emotionally abusive relationship with McDonald’s; we know he’s bad for us, but we just keep going back for one more order of fries and maybe two Big Macs. Just come over and we can talk it out. We’ll stick with you, McDonald’s.

2. Kababji

(Photo via Trip Advisor)

Grilling everything should remove all traces of fecal matter. That’s just, like, science.

1. Roadster Diner

(Photo via Blog Baladi)

Feces and sewage must taste great because it’s working for Roadster’s. You could tell me that my parents are chopped up in a Roadster’s meal and I would still gladly order up buffalo chicken strips with extra buffalo sauce, thank you very much. Tainted or not, it’s delicious. “How can something so wrong taste so good?” she whispered into her chicken burger.

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