For a long time, having a clean look and a well-defined shave was considered the sexiest option for a man. However, in recent years the beard has made its strongest comeback since the 1920’s.

Whether you’re going for hipster or jihadist, your facial accessory carries a message and a persona of its own. This is what your facial hair of choice essentially says about you.

The Light Scruff

(Image via Thrillist)

“I’m either a philosophy student, a James Franco enthusiast, or this is my post-break up beard.”

This beard tends to look nice for exactly six days before it turns sour. I realize this may be done on purpose, but it would be wise to remember that your five o’clock shadow can go from sexy to sad pretty fast.

The Long Goatee

(Image via Game Informer)

“I’m a bartender who reads Nietzsche. Hey – would you want to come up to my house in a secluded mountains/heavily wooded area so I can sculpt your Rubenesque physique?”

Listen, I enjoy the fact that you can recite poetry while playing the bongo drums as much as the next girl, but the only thing coming to mind is: please take a shower.

The Older Man Beard

(Image via Variety)

“I can make you have orgasms.”

I bet you would look 12-years-old without it, so you keep doing you.

The Climber

(Image via Jeff's Beard Board)

“I think looking like a werewolf is completely acceptable, girls loved that guy from Twilight – right?”

If your beard is climbing up your face towards your eyeballs, I regret to inform you that beards are not for you. You can however select another facial accessory such as a mustache or a goatee. Also, a gentle reminder that laser hair removal is not reserved for women only. I’ll book an appointment for you. It doesn't hurt that bad.

The Pencil-Thin Beard

(Image via tuvez)

“I’m creepy and would probably steal your car, and maybe even your kidneys.”

If it’s just me and you in a parking lot, there’s a good chance I’ll run away screaming.

The Soul Patch

(Image via Thrillist)

“Me, my facial hair, and my wardrobe still live in the nineties.”

Hey guy, let’s throw away the Vans and acid-wash jeans and inch towards this decade, okay? Baby steps.

The Sparse Beard

(Image via Jeff's Beard Board)

“Although my DNA is visually demonstrating the fact that I should shave, I refuse to accept that my body cannot produce adequate facial hair.”

The huge gaps between hair patches are disconcerting to say the least, please shave.

The Full, Dark Beard

(Image via Wikipedia)

“I’m an intellectual who has better things to do than spend five minutes a day grooming myself. I also need something to stroke whilst coming up with complex theories and pretending I’m John Nash.”

If you insist on looking like Hagrid, you best be a genius.

Just the Chin

(Image via Jeff's Beard Board)

“I’m comfortable with the fact that my chin is reminding you of testicles.”

Chop your entire chin off. NOW.

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