In an unexpected display of courage, local service driver Abu Monzer has come forward with a jarring confession that has sent shock waves throughout the Lebanese community: he does not enjoy talking about politics.

Seemingly an average service driver with average service driver tendencies, Abu Monzer is rather an enigma. Beneath an over-grown pinky fingernail is a dark well of secrets that most would be afraid to delve into. “Yes – I hate politics, I finally admit it. But I still have to give the people what they want. I am an entertainer and they are paying me for my political input, I cannot cheat them out of the full service experience,” stated Abu Monzer.

(Image via Water in Majorca)

Keeping up the façade of political awareness became too much for Abu Monzer when he slipped up one day and drew attention and scrutiny to his devotion to politics. “I was transporting a passenger from Mar Mikhael to Hamra, and I was ranting about sleazy politicians, just throwing names out randomly when I brought up Elias Sarkis only to be informed that Sarkis had died in 1985. It was so shameful, I felt exposed, naked.”

Abu Monzer went on to admit that he actually hadn’t watched or read any form of news in over thirty-five years, stating that he prefers the gentle humor of the hit ABC show Modern Family instead, but was disappointed by the sixth season.

A quick survey on the streets of Beirut proved that a mere 110% of citizens would prefer if service drivers would not discuss politics at all, most of them citing emotions ranging from “severe discomfort” to “I’d rather walk.”

Abu Monzer shared that his true passions were far from political, focused mainly on bird-watching and watching his grandson curse at other relatives. “But nobody is ever interested in that side of me; people only want to hear my political input, my expertise, my unparalleled opinions...At the end of the day I am a performer, a star and I will keep doing my part for the good of the country.”

Disclaimer for the un-funny: This was a satirical blog post.


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