Why It’s Better To Be Single On Valentine’s Day

February 14 is a wonderful day, for it marks the birth date of Tunisian singer and professional ear-piercing screamer, Latifa. Oh, it’s also Valentine’s Day.

Being in a relationship may seem wonderful and glamorous to the untrained eye, but I, a lonely single person, am here to discredit that theory. From a distance, a relationship appears to be all about hand-holding, wining and dining, sweet love-making, and watching movies whilst clutching your beloveds’ hand in a death grip in fear that they might slip away. The reality of the situation is much grimmer and more focused around mentally noting the other person’s short-comings, criticizing the way they dress, and then maybe watching a movie you hate just to take a break from all the hatred.

Here are ten reasons it’s better to be single than in a relationship.

1. You get to avoid horrible small-talk

“Oh, your boss said what? THAT’S HILARIOUS, I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THIS CONVERSATION.”

2. You get to not share food

What is romantic about sharing a pizza? Eating two entire pizzas by yourself is way more emotionally pleasing and probably extremely healthy because you need carbohydrates for the energy it takes to generate high levels of hatred – trust me on this.

3. You get to watch whatever you want, whenever you want

You want to revisit Seinfeld for the sixth time this year and not have anyone judge you? Go right ahead, nobody forcing you to watch B-side sci-fi movies here!

4. You get unlimited possibilities for hooking up

Go out and sow your oats, and by oats we mean the assortment of subpar genitals that will throw themselves at you.

5. You get to shower alone

While showering with a sexual companion may seem like the ultimate fantasy, it is actually quite a pain. You have to look sexy and desirable while enormous amounts of shampoo stream into your mouth, and you can’t even gag. Not to mention, you have to sneak-wash your butt in the 20 second intervals that your partner has soap in his/her eyes, and we all know that butt washing is the most important (if not the only) reason to shower.

6. February 14 is another day for you to ‘do you’

February 14th is another chill day to be spent in sweatpants. Guess who doesn’t have to spend another Valentine’s Day pretending they love a tacky red teddy bear while putting their mouth on someone else’s genitals? You. Because you’re single.

7. You get to experience the joy of being selfish

Ignore calls and texts when you want to, show up late, or don’t show up at all! You don’t owe any common decency to anybody so feel free to act like the first world trash bag that you are deep inside.

8. You get to revisit your exes

This is yet another great advantage to being single, you get to call up some exes and use them for what they’re good for: normally it’s cuddling or brief oral sex followed by taking you out for burgers. Zero guilt and shame for a single person.

9. You get to be pretty gross

Hey, you want to hang out in pajamas and experiment with food pairings that include industrial amounts of peanut butter and some suspicious cured meats? You want to order and consume four desserts for breakfast and not have to look cute while doing it? Enjoy. Happy it’s better to be single day.

10. You get to YouTube what you want, when you feel like it

Possibly the worst part about being in a relationship is having to fake interest in somebody else’s YouTube video picks. Have you ever been made to watch a ridiculous 16 minute video of a prank or a sporting event? If you answered yes, then congratulations – you’ve survived the most painful part of life in the 21st century. With the single life, you can ensure that nobody will ever force you to watch a dumb video ever again.

And a quick reminder for everybody for this holy holiday: do not hook up on Valentine’s Day. That throws your hook-up into a time warp resulting in a very messy clean-up on the following day.