A new study has revealed that the average size of a man’s penis is 3.61 inches flaccid, and 5.17 inches erect, excluding my ex-boyfriend's. The study examined the length and circumference of more than 15,000 men’s penises before reaching these conclusions which, once again I’d like to stress, do not include my ex-boyfriend, who falls about 3-thousand inches short of these numbers.

(Image via scmp.com)

Male readers should currently be measuring themselves to determine what kind of car to buy the next woman they want to impress. For reference, the scale is as follows:

-- More than 8 inches: any car
-- 6 to 7.9 inches: Mercedes
-- 5 to 5.9 inches: Porsche, any model
-- 4 to 4.9 inches: Porsche, sports model
-- 3 to 3.9 inches: Porsche, sports model, turbo
-- Less than 3 inches: BMW, sports model, with an added sound system

Now, the Lebanese Committee of Dicks (not to be confused with parliament) has supplemented this study with their own numbers, revealing that the average size of a Lebanese man’s penis is a staggering 6.6 inches (All jokes aside, there's an actual, REAL LIFE study to back these numbers up, folks). Yep, Lebanese dudes are statistically more well-endowed than a majority of men on the planet. Perhaps now we can begin to delve into the Lebanese male psyche and start to understand why most of the country's men act like entitled dicks. Well... it’s because they HAVE fairly entitled dicks.

What this penis study mostly does is contribute to boosting morale among Lebanese men where morale does not need to be boosted. Most men here already think they’re God’s gift to women, so it's fair to say that no matter how large a Lebanese man’s penis is, it is his personality that ultimately brings the word ‘dick’ to mind.

The two most important questions surrounding this study are: where are all these Lebanese men with 6.6 inch penises? And where can we sign up to be one of the researchers? It has been a childhood dream of mine to be able to face, quite literally, thousands of man-trunks and extend them for measurement. I believe this would finally put my Public International Law degree to good use.

In sum, here are some key notes on this sensitive matter:

1. Please remember that if you are not a man with a big penis, you can be good at other things! Like helping us find men with big penises…

2. If you ever undo your pants and the woman you’re with immediately starts texting somebody, you have a small penis.

3. Don’t ever say that you’ve never had any “formal complaints” against the size of your dick, the Beirut police precinct has not allowed me to lodge a formal complaint on this matter yet, otherwise I guarantee you there would be an astounding number of complaints and warrants for your arrest.

Comment below with your penis size!


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Louis Hayek on May 4, 2016 via mobile web