Have you recently felt as though your vagina was maybe a little... dangerous? There may be a reason for that! Officials at Beirut International Airport seized over half a ton of sanitary pads (referred to as Kotex by most Lebanese) contaminated with radioactive substances, according to a Reuters report on Friday. As if periods weren’t horrible and demonic enough, there's some radioactive waste that nearly grazed half the population's vaginas.

First off, let's all agree to stop calling them "sanitary towels" as they are neither sanitary nor towels. A more appropriate name would be "glorified diaper" or "Devil’s diaper" - or in Lebanon's case: "radioactive diaper."

(Image via Tumblr)

We laughed it off when we learned almost every restaurant we've ever eaten at was serving up a huge helping of feces alongside every meal, but is nothing safe anymore? Can I not get my period in peace and enjoy the stabbing sensation of angry cramps without having to worry about my vagina growing a third eye?

And another thing, the contaminated pads were sent to the Lebanese Atomic Energy Agency. Umm, what? The Lebanese what agency? Did anybody know about this? It was apparently established in 1996, so where have these people been hiding all these years? Honestly, if a guy was chatting you up at a bar and said he works at the Lebanese Atomic Energy Agency, would you have believed that?

But back to our main problem: toxic radioactive waste on our vaginas. It is important to note that although this shipment may have been confiscated, there is a good chance that others were not - which means your vagina may or may not have been in contact with radioactive materials after all, and I’m not talking about your boyfriend’s toxic dick. That is why I’ve taken the liberty of researching side effects of exposure to radioactive materials. Much to my dismay, side effects did NOT include voluminous bouncy hair and a healthy, pinkish glow – no, here’s what you can expect:

1.) An increase in the potential for cancer, particularly leukemia and thyroid.
2.) Radiation sickness: often fatal and can produce such symptoms as bleeding and shedding of the lining of the gastrointestinal tract.

So it’s not enough that your uterus is shedding, your intestines will too. There you have it: welcome to Lebanon, where if you don’t die from a bomb blast or the side-effects of shit-tainted food, we’ll radiate you right in the vagina.

P.S. The confiscated pads were made in China. A good rule is, if you’re not willing to buy a iPhone that is made in China, also avoid things made in China that go near your genitals. That is all. Good day.


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awiyyeeee way to go lama!

Danah Fattouh on Mar 22, 2015 via web