The statue of the “immaculate heart of Our Lady Fatima” was brought to Lebanon from Portugal on June 11 to visit several Catholic patriarchates in the hopes that it would bring political resolution to the country.

Members of the convoy from Lisbon spoke of their wishes that this visit and the presence of the statue on Lebanese soil may even result in the election of a Lebanese president after more than a year of political stalemate.

(Image via Al-Monitor)

However, the visit and the prayers were met with confounding rejection when the head of the Maronite church, Patriarch Bechara Boutros al-Rai, received a text message from the Lord later that night. The short text simply read, “New phone, who dis?”

That’s right, even the Lord wants nothing to do with Lebanese politics.

Sources close to the Patriarch stated that he was visibly shaken and taken aback after reading the huge dis from the heavenly Father, “He didn’t want to show that he was hurt, but we could all tell,” shared a chapel boy. “He has always been close to the Lord and now the Lord is pulling away. It can’t be easy.”

The convoy from Portugal was quick to defend the Lord by saying that He has been overloaded lately with issues in Syria and all the earthquakes He bestowed upon Nepal. “He also recently updated his iOS; it’s a very confusing time,” claimed the head of the convoy.

But still, the heavenly Father has steered clear of the Lebanese presidential elections and reportedly wants nothing to do with that proverbial train wreck. With the absence of any ecclesiastical support, Lebanon does not stand a chance to elect a president, so please, do your part by doubling up on prayers in the hopes that the good Lord will remember Lebanon, and maybe text us back with the name of a president.

Disclaimer: The first paragraph of this post is entirely true and based on an actual news report in Al-Monitor (linked above). The remaining text is a satirical response to the story.


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