Friday’s Supreme Court decision in the United States serves as a monumental step for the homosexual community both in America and around the world.

Of course, here in Lebanon, expecting the government to recognize gay marriage seems like an impossible feat, but I’ve taken it upon myself to create a step-by-step plan for legalizing gay marriage in Lebanon.

Step 1: Make This Woman President

Although nobody really seems to notice, or care that much, Lebanon has been without a president for over a year now. But to get this plan rolling, a secular candidate needs to be elected. If only there was a candidate promoting secularization of the political system. Oh wait, there is.

Step 2: Hold Elections

Again, nobody really noticed, but Lebanon hasn’t held elections in a really freaking long time. Additionally, the government needs to institute retroactive term limits so lazy MPs who inherited their seats from their fathers can’t get reelected.

Step 3: Recognize Civil Marriage

We were all excited two years ago when the first civil marriage was legally recognized in Lebanon. But the current Interior Minister hasn’t authorized a new civil marriage since he took office.

Step 4: Legally Recognize NGOs Working for LGBTQ Rights

Although Helem works ardently on behalf of the LGBTQ community in Lebanon, it has yet to receive official recognition - its receipt of registration - from the Ministry of Interior.

Step 5: Change the Homophobic Laws

With a secular minded leader at the helm of the country and imagine this: a newly elected hipster parliament chosen from the ranks of the Mar Mikhael and Badaro crowds, things could be so different.

Step 6: Replace Ignorant TV Presenters

We’re looking at you, MTV. Time to consider hiring some new staff.

Step 7: Start a Massive Gay Pride Campaign

Can you just imagine how effing epic Gay Pride would be in Beirut? I mean, we already party hard, but Pride would take it to another level. VICE will be all over that shit.

If you think my plan is a long shot – and granted, it totally is – I offer an alternative solution:

Dub Haifa the Supreme Empress of Lebanon

Haifa is basically already the queen of the Lebanese gay community. Ever been in Posh on a Saturday night when one of her hits comes on? You’ll see even the “manliest” of men in the joint shaking their booties and mouthing every word.

I have submitted my first plan to the Cabinet of Ministers for consideration. I’ll let you know what they have to say when they respond.

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