Guides
Every Employee’s Guide to Proper Office Pooping
The only thing more embarrassing than walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe is walking out of the bathroom having just taken a huge-ass dump. Yep, I’m taking about a massive one in the middle of the workday while everyone’s still at the office because your morning coffee started working its bowel movement magic.
Stay tuned as few brave Lebanese employees share their most humiliating office poop stories, shit’s about to get serious…(see what I did there?)
”I never poop in public so what I’m about to tell you is actually one of my most embarrassing moments. It was almost the end of the workday and the day before I had gone hiking. It must have been the heat but my stomach started acting up and I had the absolute worst case of diarrhea. I ran into the bathroom and turned on the faucet so no one would hear the disaster that was going on inside. It took a lot longer than I expected and the smell was horrific even for me to say. The Dettol bottle was empty and I have no idea how I got out of there without anyone seeing me but I did. Till this day, I still wonder who went in after me. Thankfully I switched jobs.”
– Anonymous
“I usually use the bathroom at work and one day I went in for my usual unnoticeable dump without realizing that the water was out in the entire office. Pooping at the office isn’t normally embarrassing for me, but when I had to ask my cute male colleague to help me fill water from the cooler in the kitchen in order to fill the tank, I knew that was the last time I’d poop in public again.”
– Cindy, 22
If you’re the type of person who drinks their coffee at the office, then you’ve probably been in a similar predicament. Fortunately for you, there are ways to make taking an office poop a piece of cake (even though it’ll probably never smell like one.)
Timing:
Try to time it as soon as you clock in while your lazy colleagues are slowly showing up. Pay attention to when most of your team is booked for meetings, that way you can quietly slip out without anyone noticing. However, if you have clients over and your office is pretty small, I’d hold off on that for a while, especially if the air ventilation isn’t all that great.
Speed:
Think “in & out.” This is a life or death matter, do you want to be known as the office-pooper for the rest of your time at the company? Didn’t think so.
Scents:
Before you plan on going through with this, take a moment to make sure the bathroom has a can of air freshener, and be absolutely positive that it’s not empty. If it is, get a grip and hold it like a champ!
Don’t call attention to yourself:
If you’re planning on taking magazines, newspapers, or books into the bathroom with you, you might as well write “going to take a shit” in permanent marker across your forehead. This isn’t the bathroom at The Four Seasons, you aren’t on vacation, this is not a joke.
Exit the bathroom like a boss:
You pooped at the office. Good for you, big whoop! You think Haifa Wehbi has never taken a fat poop at the recording studio? Get up, wash off, and exit the bathroom like you know nothing of the events that just transpired.
As long as you follow these steps and leave the bathroom as casually as you entered it, no one will notice a thing. Just try to make sure there’s water in the office first.
Happy pooping!
[Image via here.]