Driving in Lebanon is by the far the most unique adventure you’ll ever come across; if you want the full Lebanese experience, just cruise around Beirut in a car. Disclaimer: I am not to be held responsible for the possible outcomes and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders that may manifest afterwards. And since dealing with the suicidal motorcycle drivers, the fast and furious cabs, and the ape-shit crazy van drivers gives me heartburn; I decided to share a few secrets with you, here are the things they clearly never told you while you were learning how to drive:

1. The horn is not a magical button that will transform your car into a jet that can skip through traffic jams. This isn’t Transformers, son! Megan Fox is out of your league, but if fantasizing about her will get you to calm down, then knock yourself out.

2. Those long blocks of concrete on the sides of the road are called sidewalks and are apparently for pedestrians only… I know, right? I was blown away when I found out too! So you technically can’t park your motorcycles there; or cars….that one always amazed me. I mean the will and determination, never mind the precision, to get that car on the sidewalk…just wow.

3. In every car there is a top-secret option that allows you to signal if you’re going left or right, it's called a turn signal. It’s clear than not many people know about this option, so consider yourself lucky. It gets better: this option doesn’t cost a thing – yup, completely free!!! That can be pretty useful, huh? Seriously though, use it.

4. HomoVehicle relationships are still not accepted in Lebanon so please stop humping my car through the back door, I would really appreciate some personal space when in traffic. It’s not you, it’s me.

5. People tend to sing and dance in their cars so be prepared. Do not stare, point, or laugh at me please, I have no shame, I will keep singing and dancing in my car while maintaining eye contact with you if you do that, so don’t make it more awkward for you.

6. I know this sounds strange BUT your car, no matter how advanced, does not have trash cans on the outside of your windows. That means when you throw your cigarettes, plastic bags, and diapers out, they’re actually landing on the street. Strange, isn’t it? I’m sure you had no idea.

6. Although cars are not advanced enough to have trash bins on the outside, their radios are pretty advanced. These state of the art futuristic radios enable you to manipulate the volume so you can actually turn down the music! I’m sure this will save you the embarrassment of being that guy who blasts music so loud that the deaf start complaining. I know how much you hate all that extra attention.

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