The Art of Gift-Giving: Do’s and Don’ts

We’ve all gotten them. From the gifts that make you wonder if your aunt has ever met you, to the ones that have you questioning heavier areas, like human psychology and social etiquette. Here is a selection of things I have received over the years. I look forward to many more.

1. DON’T give potted plants to plant killers.

This one is really unfortunate. I appreciate the thought, I do. But you should not give me anything which has life. No humans, no pets, and no plants. Sometimes people will laugh when I tell them this, saying, “Oh, Heather, you’re so silly. Don’t worry, you couldn’t possibly kill an aloe vera plant. They basically take care of themselves!” Challenge accepted.

2. DO give seven pairs of granny panties to granny. DON’T give them to a 10-year-old.

It was my tenth birthday — double digits, baby. I was so excited. Until I wasn’t. My friend (or so I thought at the time) came up to me shyly and thrust a soft package in my hands (that’s what she said). I opened the package, and was severely let down (that’s also what she said). I pulled out pair after pair of white, plain granny panties. One for every day of the week. They weren’t cute boy shorts or anything, they were the kind of granny panties that sag in the bum and tell everyone that you just don’t give a damn anymore. At ten years old, it was a little too early for me to be throwing in the towel.

3. DON’T give religious books to “lost souls.”

We’ve all got those relatives. They’ll slip a religious anecdote into an otherwise mundane conversation about the weather, or look at you with pity, shaking their heads and praying for your salvation. I have been on the receiving end of these many-a-time, always smiling civilly or making an excuse to leave the room. But sometimes, there is nowhere to run. Sometimes you receive awkward gifts from those hopeful of helping you see the light, and you have to do something to mask the horror creeping up on your face. I have received variations of books on the way of friendship in Islam, pamphlets about St. Christopher and St. Anthony tucked into care packages, and a particularly enlightening one on Islamic modest dress.

4. DO buy your friends or significant other cute/sexy lingerie. DON’T buy them ill-fitting undergarments.

After receiving countless huge and hideous bras, I have decided that if you’re not going to ask me what size I am, you should not give me a bra for my birthday. I am clearly not a double-D, and yes, this has happened to me before. I once opened a box from Victoria’s Secret, excited to receive a nice piece of lingerie on my birthday. It was neither nice nor did it fit. I stared at my aunt with confusion, wondering for a moment if we lived in parallel universes where my chest was actually three times bigger than I saw it. On another note, it did provide me with a great intro for my next sci-fi novel.

5. DON’T give anyone a statue of an eagle.

On the day of my college graduation, I was excited, nervous, happy, all the things that you are at a particularly significant milestone. I was ready to take on the world (of unemployment), to grab life by the horns, to think outside the box, and all those other catch-phrases. A family friend came up to me with a large package, a big smile, and said “Congratulations!” (again – that’s what she said). I ripped the paper off, and as so many times before, I was confused. Facing me was a statue of an angry-looking eagle, perched on a branch as if ready for both flight and a fight. What did this mean? Was she telling me to always be ready to take flight? To stay hungry and aggressive? To soar…like an eagle? I looked at her with some sort of smile on my face and said, “Thank you, this means so much.”

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