This Christmas, Let’s All Boycott That Mariah Carey Song

“I DON’T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS, THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU” – now that it’s stuck in your head too, let me explain.

Hey, Lebanon. You do know that other Christmas songs exist, right? This one tune has been haunting us since 1994, that’s 21 years of Mariah hitting notes that could easily shatter my cervix. Haven’t we had enough?

This is one of the most overplayed songs in the history of sounds and noises. It is probably more overplayed than Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” – which, as we all know, was the theme song to every Lebanese couple’s wedding in the 90’s. They’re probably all divorced now because they regret their musical choices. They probably have nightmares of horse-face (Celine) screaming at them. I don’t know, I don’t have all the facts.

The biggest culprit here is the person setting up music at the malls around Lebanon. I just want to be able to not find a dress my size in peace, I don’t need to be reminded that Mariah is probably sitting on a pile of money in her lingerie, eating a powdered donut while she talks on her Hello Kitty phone. (This is how I imagine Mariah spends most of her time, at least the time when she’s not doing her idiot husband Nick Cannon with a strap-on.)

You can tell I’ve given this a lot of thought. Please join me in boycotting this torture jingle.