How To Survive Lebanese Family Gatherings

Forget about the traffic, presidential vacuum, and trash crisis, the ultimate challenge you should worry about when living a Lebanon lies somewhere else, away from the tumult of the streets, far from the gazes of strangers, much closer than you’d ever imagine, at the very place you call home.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us all join forces in building a new generation of Lebanese people who are psycho-emotionally equipped to survive FAMILY GATHERINGS OF ALL SORTS with no permanent damages. Here’s how it’s done.

Gear up for endless hours of sugar-coated bragging

Once comfortably settled in their chairs, your relatives will dive straight into business, giving you a full update on their accomplishments, purchases, career milestones, and romantic partners. An episode of intense bragging about their children’s unrivaled genius usually follows, leaving you in a state of psycho-nauseous saturation that urges you fight back using your own revamped list of magnificent exploits. Better come prepared!

Substitute standard greetings with generic body weight assessments

The noshane/do3fane spectrum is open to infinite possibilities and an awful lot of awkward combinations. Why settle for a basic “hi” when you can throw all sorts of unsolicited body weight concerns at people instead?

Dress 10 levels beyond what normally qualifies as your best

Remember, you are being carefully scrutinized by an attentive committee of over-pampered family members that threatens to morph into the Fashion Police cast at any given fashion faux-pas. Kindly consult with your personal stylist prior to the big day.

Shower second and third relatives with a full year’s stock of compliments

Because you’re most probably not going to see their faces again until next Christmas.

And make sure to fully acknowledge the revolutionary achievements of their kids

Do not mess with the kids under any circumstances (unless you’re willing to be shamelessly side-eyed by their procreators for the rest of your miserable existence). This being said, complimenting children is an open door to their parent’s hearts. *kid counts till 10* What a genius! *kid finishes plate* Good boy! *kid randomly splashes paint on paper* Yo2borne tali3 fennen la bayyo! *kid draws circle and tells you it’s you* THAT’S WHO YOU MOST DEFINITELY ARE.

Prepare a consistent and convincing brief of your love life

You cannot just pretend to be on a relationship hiatus and get away with it. Your relatives will flood your existence with nefrah mennak/mennik-type expressions until they’ve extracted your entire romantic archive. Better be convincing.

Keep away from mindless political discussions

You’ll never win anyway so why even bother?

Always pass the salt

You need to be cooperative and open to suggestions in terms of family meals. The dinner table is a sacred place of worship where passing the salt is equivalent to passing the peace. Also, beware of telling your grandma you’re full. It counts as the most sinful of all sins.

Never get yourself into family card games when in a hurry

The average card game among relatives lasts anywhere between five hours and two days (taking into account the precious time spent passionately arguing about points). Are you REALLY willing to take such a risk?

Do NOT attempt to escape a Lebanese family gathering under ANY circumstances

Hiding under the bed never does the trick. And whenever you think you’ve silently escaped a family gathering by locking yourself silently in your room, your parents will always be there to call you forth. Your safest option is to keep calm and rouh sallim 3al tante my friend.