Note: This post was originally published in March 2016.

Is it considered bullying when I get invited to six separate events celebrating the union of two people?

It should be.



Listen, please. We don’t need six hundred previews to your wedding, just the one shitty party is enough. Do you know how many outfits I would need for all those pre-parties? Needless to say it would really cut into my plans of wearing the same pair of jeans all week.

I like love and happiness, but weddings are becoming less of a happy occasion and more of an excuse for couples get to act like dicks while they collectively inconvenience everyone they know.

While I understand that we can’t eradicate weddings, we can take steps in the right direction. This starts with the couple sending an apology note along with the wedding invite - here’s a sample you can use:

"I regret to inform you that you’re invited to my wedding. Failure to show up at my wedding will result in a lot of drama and unhappiness for all. You will be required to pay for a dress, transportation, hair, makeup, and multiple gifts. This is probably going to cut into your plans of living your life and having fun but because we are friends you now have to sit through a 50-minute slideshow of me and my beloved holding hands on the beach. We will repeat this entire charade when we have a baby.”

I think it's safe to assume that if your wedding involved a slide-show then your marriage is pretty much fucked. The weddings that had idiot guests shaking it to 'Uptown Funk' are also doomed. Have I gone too far? Feel free to discipline me.

I am also actively trying to pass a law where you’re forced to post three divorce photos for every one wedding photo you share on Facebook. Can any lawyers or judges help me out with this? Hit me up on Instagram.

The one unaccounted expense of adulthood I’ve encountered has been people’s happiness. People’s happiness is really expensive and time-consuming.

Fuck it, at least there's alcohol.

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