6 Signs You’ve Won Your Break Up

Note for the humorless: these are only jokes.

You may think that it’s petty for me to want to beat my ex-boyfriends at life, but I’m a fairly petty person so…here are six signs you’ve won your break up!

1. His/Her Parents Keep In Touch With You

Sorry, lady. No more freebie jokes or killer advice from me because your son is a douchefuck. This is a definite sign that his/her parents are so in love with you that they betray their own child to just hear your angelic voice.

2. They Get Really Sick

It’s happened twice that I’ve ended relationships and had the guy come down with a really weird unidentifiable flu within days. Maybe I’m so annoying that I deplete entire immune systems, maybe I’m patient zero – who knows. Either way, winning.

3. You Take Ownership Of Your Favorite Spots

I’ve taken ownership of many cafes and restaurants around the country. I don’t literally own them, I just took every place I used to go with my insignificant others and kept going there until they had to find spots in like, Jounieh.

4. You Start Dating First

Bonus points if they see you out on a date while they’re dressed in that grey Gap sweater you hated. And they’re with their cousin while you’re with a hot as fuck person.

5. His/Her Friends Reach Out

They miss your delightful company, they’re considering dumping their loser friend so they can hang out with you.

6. They Text You First

Bye.