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Nur Turkmani 02 Apr 2014

The 12 Types of People You Will Meet in a Lebanese Pub

Going to bars is the Lebanese version of morning tea for the Brits and public protests for the French – a regional sport as far as I’m concerned (hey, at least we do it better than football).

We all fall into that familiar routine of showing up at the same pub every week. And here’s the thing: all the places we go pretty much serve the same people – just with different faces. Don’t believe me?

Take a look.

1. Overly-Excited Teens

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These kids just want to scream and shout, and let it all out, “sayin oooo y’ooo yoyo.” (Just a heads up, these are the kind of songs they’ll be requesting from the DJ. Or “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus.) MAD didn’t let them in – your older sibling doesn’t look like you, please stop trying – so they’ve made their way to a pub to play cards and watch a movie, as 15-year-olds should be doing.

Ha. Let’s just hope the police don’t find out they’re drinking vodka shots, we all know how strict our government is about underage drinking, don’t we? YOLO.

2. The Grinder

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This chick doesn’t really care that she’s in a pub and wants to dance the night away to Sean Paul and Kanye West. And it’s not just any type of dancing. We’re talking awkward Twerking and ass bumping.

3. The Guy Trying to Get Grinded On

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This is the funniest thing to watch. A guy sees the grinder girl dancing, and decides to get in on the action. What’s he got to lose? His dignity Nothing, I tell ya. He casually dances behind her, hoping it will all work out. He doesn’t give up. He tries, and tries. He’s still at the pub trying right now.

4. The Grumpy One

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This person doesn’t actually want to be at the pub. They want to be home sleeping – far, far away from all the noise and people. He/she sits on a couch or chair, slumped on their phone, forcing smiles every now and then.

5. The Europeans/Americans/Foreigners

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These are the Americans, British, French, etc. that aren’t huge fans of the whole clubbing experience and enjoy the more relaxed ambience of pubbing in Lebanon. They’re chill. No worries about them. But they do come in huge groups, usually avoid mingling unless directly spoken to, and have a dress code that resembles ex-mercenary Danny Archer from the film, Blood Diamond. They’re often spotted carrying a backpack. If your pub is in Gemmayzeh or Mar Mikhael, these people will dominate in size.

6. The Emiratis/Saudis

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Ehhhhwa. This consists of a group of men, usually dressed in black caps and brown slippers, sitting really close to one another. They don’t order alcohol, but they order a lot of red bull. They think every other woman they see is a stripper. They are found packing the pubs from mid-July to mid-August, and disappear entirely from the scene when summer is over.

7. The Grandparents

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You’re bound to see two or more of these happy, ADORABLE old folks, wearing pants up to the chest and dancing awkwardly next to their table. They tend to have fanny packs around their waists and enjoy taking pictures of one other. You won’t see them on a regular, even weekly basis, but you might bump into them occasionally. Grandparents at pubs are the coolest, and we wish we saw them more often.

8. The Guy/Gal Who Just Got Dumped

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It sucks, doesn’t it?

You will find this one sitting in the corner of the room either sulking alone, or with a group of best friends that are determined to make his/her night better. They will ultimately fail at this task. Every song reminds the dumped victim of their ex, and no matter how many times their pals pat them on the back and say, “there are so many fish in the sea, bro!” or “guuurl, you’re so much hotter than him and better off without him”, they shall remain miserable, get drunk and probably throw up.

9. The Dude Who’s Totally Broke

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You will usually find them at the pub between six and eight in the evening, simply because they are broke and happy hour is, literally, their only happy hour of the night.

10. The Drunken Idiot

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He comes to the pub for round one, and then either hits a club or goes to another pub. He’s the life of the party, breaks glasses and lets everyone’s secrets out of the bag. Although he eventually gets kicked out, we love you man.

11. The Intellectual

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The intellectuals hate pretty much everyone on this list, especially the drunken retards, the grinder and the grandparents because these people just want to go to a chill place for conversation over two rounds (or more) of beer.

I mean, where else could they possibly go to discuss America’s foreign policy, other than the Captain’s Cabin?

12. The It-Girl

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You will find them on Uruguay Street, dressed to impress and prepping for a fresh Instagram pic from their big night out at the pubs. These are the overly dressed chicks who look like something straight out of Mean Girls. They will sit at their table judging everyone who walks past and only move when they need to take another selfie.