Schedules are updated every Thursday.

Christina Fakhry 27 Nov 2018

10 Jobs That Should Exist In Lebanon

It’s time for another round of pro-fictional jobs that should exist in Lebanon. Here is our first one!

1. Parking Inspector

The kind of person to walk among parked cars on a daily basis to expose abominable acts of asshole-ish parking [which statistically affects up to 90 percent of parked cars in Lebanon] and report them directly to the HCRP [acronym for Higher Council of Responsible Parking, which also needs to be created if anyone is up for the task] before proceeding to vandalize them with customized sticker/graffiti messages that range from a gentle “park responsibly” to a full-blown “@#%*<%$^#@?” depending on the gravity of the incident.

2. Zara Adviser

So that influencers would hopefully stop buying the same T-shirt, you know.

3. Joke Attributor

We just need to know who in the living universe has the wit/time/entire ugly 00s font library to come up with a viral meme [or record a viral voice note, except that you don’t need ugly 00s fonts for that] within two-and-a-half milliseconds of any noteworthy incident AND disseminate it to every Lebanese smartphone user over WhatsApp during that same mind-bending time frame. Such exceptionally creative minds deserve all the credit for their hard work and this job specifically aims to give it to them [and spare us curious mortals the Internet-long mystery].

4. Rain Codriver

Recent Twitter-backed studies have detected a strong tendency among Lebanese drivers to partially or entirely lose their basic driving skills after the first two drops of rain of any passing shower, hence the need for navigation assistants to ensure their safety and the safety of everyone around them on rainy days. Kindly note that you’re allowed to request two codrivers instead of one if you’re driving in the rain at night [which also calls for more applicants].

5. Supermarket Traffic Officer

Because we’re just as bad at pushing a trolley around as we are at operating a vehicle [we also stop both at the wrong places].

6. Paperwork Reformist

Why is it that I have to go through an existential breakdown every time I need to issue an official paper of any kind? If the Lebanese government can pay people to run a nonexistent train station, then it might as well hire some more to fix this stress of a mess.

7. Patriotic Therapist

Whose job would practically consist of injecting fed-up citizens with false hope on regular intervals to convince them of staying in Lebanon in spite of growing socio-political nonsense.

8. Genealogical Investigator

Since everyone you meet tries to infer where you’re from/trace your entire family tree [let alone turns out to be a third relative] after the first hello, why not make a living out of it? [Dedicated practitioners could legit become the next astrologists if this picks up.]

9. Wedding Economist

Enough with wedding planners, we need sane people [like the woman from The Financial Diet vlogs] to convince couples not to throw five lifetimes’ worth of savings [unrealistic term for bank loans] on feeding 500 people they barely know 50 percent of [who in turn have to waste an entire month’s salary between wedding preps and liste de marriage] to celebrate a personal life event that might not even last longer than 500 days to begin with. What’s wrong with sharing your big day with a small group of lovely people with big hearts instead?

10. Social Obligations Educator

Job description: to educate young adults on all aspects of ‘wejbet’ [more meaningful Lebanese translation of social obligations] and equip them with the right vocabulary and body language tools for all major social occasions they are bound to encounter as members of the Lebanese society in order to avoid embarrassment and ensure that each family’s wejbet checklist is accurately passed on to the next generation.

Why complain about the lack of jobs in Lebanon when you can make up your own?