Schedules are updated every Thursday.

Beirut.com 17 Mar 2023

If The White Lotus Was Set In Lebanon

HBO’s newest hit TV show The White Lotus follows the stories of staff and visitors at an exotic luxury hotel, with different casts and locations every season. Season 1 was set in Hawaii, season 2 on Italy’s Mediterranean coast, so where better to have season 3 than right here in the Switzerland of the East.

The White Lotus: Tyre

– Built illegally on public land
– Includes amenities such as:
– Includes activities such as: turtle snorkeling, phoenician dye making, and gun shooting
– 51% is owned by a certain someone.

The Hotel Manager

– Gayest member of Haraket Amal
– Failnephew of a local MP
– Big fan of techno + associated drugs

The Diaspora Family

– Our first guest group is none other a Lebanese-Colombian diaspora family returning to the homeland
– The father is involved in a lucrative construction contracting (cocaine) business back home. His grandfather had immigrated from Bikfaya in 1938.
– The wife is staunchly catholic fourth generation Lebanese-Colombian, imagine a blend of Sofia Vergara and Salma Hayek.
– There are 3 kids, 2 girls and 1 boy (15, 12, 8), because even cross-atlantic immigration can’t kill some old Lebanese family habits.
– Their main story plot follows the father getting involved in a cocaine trafficking operation, and the mother getting a pool boy lover.

The Spies

– Our second batch of guests are 3 separate spies who don’t know about each other.
– The first spy is a white guy called Jamie, a CIA agent posing as a business envoy.
– The second spy is a Turkish woman named Aya, she works for the KGB.
– The third spy is an Egyptian-Greek Instagram influencer working for the Mossad.
– They are given 3 rooms next to each other, and increasingly paranoid hijinks ensue.

The Young European Couples

– The third group is three European couples on a triple-date vacation.
– They all work some bullshit jobs, and wanted to come to Lebanon because it’s an “authentic” experience that will look good on their Insta.
– Every time any loud noise happens they think war breaks out and begin to run loudly screaming their nationality.

Jennifer Coolidge

– SPOILER AHEAD. After dying in the finale of season 2, Tanya’s second cousin Ranya, a Lebanese-Canadian auntie appears at the White Lotus Tyre.
– Ranya is visiting family in Beirut but needs a rest because there’s only so much nephew and nieces you can take.
– She spends a significant portion of the vacation watching MTV while eating some bezer in her room.
– She can also be seen with Arguile poolside.
– Never swims.

The Death

– It’s White Lotus, so someone must die in the end. Who will it be this season?
– In the opening scene, we are shown an ambulance mournfully moving as locals shoot up into the air. One of the young European couples is standing there, sobbing.
– An AK-47, a small yacht, and an ancient ruin are seen in the death scene.
– ???

Who died? Let us know your theories in the comments.