The Seven Girls You’ll Date in Lebanon

To say there are only seven stereotypical guys you’ll date in Lebanon is an injustice to the male gender, but let’s restore the balance, shall we? Of course, this doesn’t apply to every lovely lady out there, just some of them. Brace yourselves for the girls you’ll come across in the wilderness of Beirut. Who knows, you might even be dating one of them right now.

1. The Frenchie

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Odds are she’ll be well-dressed, have a squeaky, high-pitched French accent, and try her hardest, yet still fail to pronounce your name properly. Offers endless entertainment when she attempts to speak “3aghabe” and shortens every place name to match some unwritten Frenchie code (think Ash for Ashghafiyye). Speaking of Ash, she’ll introduce you to a shady world of little esoteric pubs in the alleys of areas dripping with the bourgeoisie. You’ll convince yourself she’s not THAT different from you and that her accent might even be a little sexy, but you will soon realize that the only room in your life for anything French is when it comes to your fries. She’ll still be the one to break up with you and not bat an eyelid. C’est la vie.

2. The Sports Chick

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What could be better than a girl who loves football? A girl who plays football, or just about any sport you enjoy supporting. Unfortunately, a common side effect of enjoying sports is having a competitive edge that bleeds into every part of your relationship, and then some. Every little thing becomes a contest of who can finish first or who can do it better. It starts off cute, but then she awakes the caveman-like urge in you to be the strongest, fastest, and best, and it all goes downhill faster than she can run a mile (most likely faster than you, but that’s only because you “let her win”). You realize you’ll never be able to keep up, and by the time you do, she’ll have run off to join the Gym Rat.

3. The Overly-Attached One

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If you have to lie to the guys about not being able to hang out because you’re “visiting your sick Teta,” you’re definitely dating this girl. If you have to give constant updates about your location or face the wrath of something bordering on The Exorcist levels of scary, you’re definitely dating her. She knows the passwords to all of your accounts and will perform a weekly sweep of your inbox, but she still “trusts you.” You’ve become the sickeningly adorable couple who’s Siamese-ed at the hip. Her entire family will know about you before you memorize her digits. You’re together forever, remember? As far as she’s concerned, yes you are.

4. The Hipster

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How could you not know the name of that uber-underground band inspired by a washing machine brand, that’s “SO GOOD but you probs never heard of it”? Dressing in more colors than a pack of Skittles, abandoning social norms faster than the Frenchie will drop last season’s hot handbag and accompanied by a light scent of “medicinal” happy plants is the hipster chick. She’ll take you to the most decrepit areas of Beirut by telling you there’s a warehouse party by some random DJ you “HAVE to be at.” You date her because she’s got that Mother Nature vibe, but then you remember you prefer admiring Mother Nature, not living with it.

5. The Gold Digger

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Kanye and Jamie Fox sang it, and this girl embodies it. She is of a rare breed of Lebanese. One who’s heightened senses allows them to sniff out just how many dollar bills you have in your wallet. Don’t go for this girl if you’re not willing to auction off a kidney to keep up with the rising bills, and if you’re lacking a sweet ride – forget it. You’ll swear her big, beautiful eyes flash dollar bills when you’re not looking and before you know it you’ll be teetering near the poverty line. Listen to your wallet on this one, and spare it the crash diet. Avoid this girl at all costs, or prepare to find out just how expensive a “quiet night out” can really be.

6. The Party Animal

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Just when you’ve convinced yourself you need to party more and put yourself out there, you’ll come across this chick. To her, you’re just another guy passing through, so get used to being called “guy” or “yo.” She’ll teach you the meaning of true fatigue when you wake up after a 24 hour rave and the ecstasy wears off. Living by the motto, “Party On Dudes,” be prepared to forget where you were last night and how you got that tattoo. The Party Animal knows every bouncer at every club and can get you into places you’ve never heard of. Slow down, grow up, and make her the ex with X.

7. Your Bro

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She supports your favorite football club, plays video games better than you, and has an annoying penchant for calling you “bro” and/or “dude” more times than your actual bros do. She’s the perfect guy friend, except she’s a girl. The magic wears off fast when you realize you don’t really want to be dating your best friend. Plus, it isn’t all that cool to have a girlfriend that can beat you at Call of Duty AND chug beer faster than you.