Five New Year’s Resolutions for Lebanon

1. Halt the Honk

(Photo via carlamaree.com)

So it’s fun every once in a while to blare up our radios to “Tee Rash Rash” or “Zamir ya Tawil l 3omir” and yes, it’s even more fun to scream, with hugem almost eerily childlike grins, “Toot toot 3a Beirut.”

But please, let it stop here.

There is no need to incessantly and unceasingly honk your car during traffic jams. Khaye, we’re all in this together, wallah.

Your disturbing honks are to no avail; they will not make the roads magically widen, or the cars mystically disappear – they will just continue to disturb, disrupt and annoy the heck out of everyone. And this one’s for our favorite patriotic friends: whether it’s eid, or ‘ashoura, or Christmas, or your granddaughter’s brother’s son’s graduation, we do not want to hear your rhythmic toots, beeps, honks and blasts. I know your plan is to get us all into a festive mood to celebrate your victory together, but we’re fine.

Merci kteer, though.

2. The need to spell broberly


I’ll hand it to us; we do seem to speak English pretty well now and then, but let’s face it – our spelling is verging on the brink of terribly humiliating third world-edness.

When our government is not busy misspelling key terms in our currency, then you just know that one of our favorite restaurants is offering its customers some good ol’ flafel with a side of torture.

And whilst we’re on the topic of resolving our diction and language, let’s focus on two other essentials.
Firstly, what’s with the need to decorate our words on Facebook?
Why do our s’s and a’s magically become z’s and @’s?

And secondly, WHY do pepsi, potatoes and pizza always seem to become bebsi, botato and bidza?
Sooo ya $habebzzz, here’s to lerning how to sbell in da c@min yeer!

3. Elimination of our #Selfienation

(Photo via birdeemag.com)

This resolution, which might be a tad too difficult, tackles not only one issue, but two.

Firstly, the nation as a whole needs to focus on the elimination of these #ducks as quickly as possible. There have been several reports regarding their extensive use, along with their rather dangerous attempts at practicing pseudo-yoga, through the pushing forward of bosoms and buttocks, before proceeding to take pictures.

Secondly, the #gym has been corrupted, since the invention of the socially pervasive Instagram, as a consequence of herds of men and women posing repeatedly, continuously and unremittingly in front of the mirror with strenuous demands that require both a #serious facial expression and severe, worrying #flexing.

4. Learning our National Anthem


But of course we know how to sing our national anthem!

I dare you. No, I triple dare you to ask three fourths of the Lebanese, yourself included, to proceed beyond the “Kuluna lil watan.” You will then come to the shocking realization that we have all been, rather patriotically, mumbling senselessly all throughout it only to reach the very end and affirm to everyone, once more, that “kuluna lil watan.. da-da-dam!”

There you go, a practical resolution that works well for the upcoming year, including independence day.

5. Peace

(Photo via english.al-akhbar.com)

And whilst we’re fixated on resolutions (if for a second, or two) then we might as well confront peace, along with all its constituents and derivatives. Let’s resolve for a year free of bombs, explosions, kidnappings, terror, burning of tires, penis-chopping and the like. On that note, we might as well end with raising our glasses (and maybe, someday our priorities) to a new year – Lord knows we need one.