What The New Year’s Resolution Of Every Lebanese Politician Looks Like

New year, new me? Our trusty group of Lebanese politicians may have been stuck to the same chairs for decades, but even they know there can always be some room for self-improvement. Here is a leaked list of their 2023 New Year’s resolutions.

1. Michel Aoun

– What is dead cannot die. What is dead cannot die. What is dead cannot die.
– Get new hobbies
– Buy map and crayons
– Buy an oil rig

2. Nabih Berri

– Collect more green stuff
– Find Imam Mousa al Sader
– Bench 51 kgs.
– What is dead cannot die. What is dead cannot die. What is dead cannot die.

3. Najib Mikati

– I will grow hair. I will grow hair. I will grow hair.
– The IMF will love me. The IMF will love me. The IMF will love me.

4. Gebran Bassil

– Come up with new song ideas to own the thawra
– Buy more big electricity ships
– Lie

5. Samir Geagea

– Increase body count
– Scout for new checkpoint locations
– Get testicles checked

6. Walid Jumblatt

– Drink Matte
– Collect more properties
– Become a niche Twitter microcelebrity

7. Riad Salameh

– I will not go to prison. I will not go to prison. I will not go to prison.
– Bench 1500 kgs
– Get a new secret mistress

8. Saad el Hariri

– Do Not Go To Saudi Arabia