Look at These Major Milestones in a Life of Disappointment

Then we were born! And there began our road to disappointment, one jarring indignity after another. The path to disillusionment is long but sure. Here are some of the major highlights:

Age 4: Simba’s father gets trampled to death

Age 6: You start receiving clothes as birthday gifts

Age 7: The end of believing that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and cartoons are very real things that definitely exist

Age 10: Discovering how babies are really made, and realizing that your parents and grandparents must have done it too

Age 12: Realizing that looks *do matter

Age 14: Finding out that when your orthodontist said 6-18 months, he really meant 4-5 years

Age 15: Puberty is not only tough, it’s intensely gross

Age 17: Realizing that you won’t be a pro-athlete, actor, singer, dancer etc.

Age 18: Rejection from your dream college: the first taste of many future rejections to come

Age 19: Learning that sex is not very much like porn, unless you watch awkward and clumsy porn

Age 23: Applying to jobs with a liberal arts/political science degree

Age 26: You have trouble recovering after nights of drinking, you need to watch what you eat, and you spot that first patch of graying hair

Age 27: Your childhood celebrity crush has just: died, entered rehab, or become a grandparent

Age 28: You hear your favorite song being played on the Oldies station

Age 29: You stop recognizing any of the new celebrities

Age 32: You stop understanding the new slang terms, new music sounds strange, and you question why there are so many children at your favorite bar

Age 36: Realizing that your marriage is just as sexless and as bitter as you promised yourself it wouldn’t be

Age 41: The hottest new models you find yourself checking out weren’t even born the year you graduated university