Once upon a time, we were all happy and innocent; the world was a safe and beautiful place, everything was comforting, and nothing could burst our bubble of happiness.
Then we were born! And there began our road to disappointment, one jarring indignity after another. The path to disillusionment is long but sure. Here are some of the major highlights:
Age 4: Simba’s father gets trampled to death
Age 6: You start receiving clothes as birthday gifts
Age 7: The end of believing that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and cartoons are very real things that definitely exist
Age 10: Discovering how babies are really made, and realizing that your parents and grandparents must have done it too
Age 12: Realizing that looks *do matter
Age 14: Finding out that when your orthodontist said 6-18 months, he really meant 4-5 years
Age 15: Puberty is not only tough, it’s intensely gross
Age 17: Realizing that you won’t be a pro-athlete, actor, singer, dancer etc.
Age 18: Rejection from your dream college: the first taste of many future rejections to come
Age 19: Learning that sex is not very much like porn, unless you watch awkward and clumsy porn
Age 23: Applying to jobs with a liberal arts/political science degree
Age 26: You have trouble recovering after nights of drinking, you need to watch what you eat, and you spot that first patch of graying hair
Age 27: Your childhood celebrity crush has just: died, entered rehab, or become a grandparent
Age 28: You hear your favorite song being played on the Oldies station
Age 29: You stop recognizing any of the new celebrities
Age 32: You stop understanding the new slang terms, new music sounds strange, and you question why there are so many children at your favorite bar
Age 36: Realizing that your marriage is just as sexless and as bitter as you promised yourself it wouldn’t be
Age 41: The hottest new models you find yourself checking out weren’t even born the year you graduated university
Age 45: Total disillusionment achieved, accepting the sweet embrace of disappointment